Page images
PDF
EPUB

Patch. Bless me! What's become on't-I'm | ache-I have worn it these seven years; 'twas sure I put it

[Searching still.

Isa. Is't possible that thou couldst be so careless? Oh, I'm undone for ever, if it be lost.

Patch. I must have dropt it upon the stairs.But why are you so much alarmed? if the worst happens, nobody can read it, madam, nor find out whom it was designed for.

Isa. If it falls into my father's hands, the very figure of a letter will produce ill consequences.Run, and look for it upon the stairs this moment.

Patch. Nay, I'm sure it can be no where else. -[As she is going out of the door, meets the butler.]-How now, what do you want?

But. My master ordered me to lay the cloth here for supper.

Isa. Ruined past redemption

[Aside. Patch. You mistake, sure. What shall we do?

Isa. I thought he expected company to-nightOh, poor Charles! Oh, unfortunate Isabinda! But. I thought so, too, madam; but I suppose he has altered his mind.

[Lays the cloth, and erit.

Isa. The letter is the cause. This heedless action has undone me. Fly, and fasten the closet-window, which will give Charles notice to retire. Ha! my father! oh, confusion!

[blocks in formation]

given me by an angel, for aught I know, when I was raving with the pain, for nobody knew from whence he came, nor whither he went. He charged me never to open it, lest some dire vengeance befell me; and Heaven knows what will be the event. Oh, cruel misfortune! that I should drop it, and you should open it-If you had not opened it

Isa. Excellent wench!

[Aside.

[blocks in formation]

Patch. So, all's right again, thus far. [Aside. Isa. I would not lose Patch for the worldI'll take courage a little.- [Aside. Is this usage for your daughter, sir? Must my virtue and conduct be suspected for every trifle? You immure me like some dire offender here, and deny me all the recreations which my sex enjoy, and the custom of the country, and modesty, allow; yet, not content with that, you make my confinement more intolerable by your mistrusts and jealousies. Would I were dead, so I were free from this!

Sir Jeal. To-morrow rids you of this tiresome load: Don Diego Babinetto will be here; and then my care ends, and his begins.

Isa. Is he come, then? Oh, how shall I avoid this hated marriage!

[blocks in formation]

[Sits down to play. Patch. Really, sir, I am so frighted about your opening this charm, that I cannot remember one song.

Sir Jeal. Pish! Hang your charm! Come, come; sing any thing.

Patch. Yes, I'm likely to sing, truly.-[Aside.] -Humph, humph; bless me! I cannot raise my voice, my heart pants so.

Sir Jeal. Why, what, does your heart pant so, that you cannot play, neither? Pray, what key

Patch. Yes, sir, it is a charm for the tooth- are you in, ha ?

[blocks in formation]

Sir Jeal. Come, mistress, Patch. Yes, sir.

[Sits down and plays. [TO PATCH.

[Sings, but horribly out of tune. Sir Jeal. Hey, hey! Why, you are a-top of the house, and you are down in the cellar? what is the meaning of this? is it on purpose to cross me, ha?

Patch. Pray, madam, take it a little lower; I cannot reach that note-nor any note I fear.

Isa. Well, begin-Oh, Patch, we shall be discovered.

Patch. I sink with apprehension, madam Humph, humph-[Sings.]

[CHARLES opens the closet door.

Cha. Music and singing!

'Tis thus the bright celestial court above Beguiles the hours with music and with love.

Death! her father there! - [The women shriek.] -Then I must fly- [Exit into the closet.

[SIR JEALOUS rises up hastily, seeing CHA. slip back into the closet.

Sir Jeal. Hell and furies! A man in the closet!

Patch. Ah! a ghost! a ghost!-He must not enter the closet- [ISABINDA throws herself down before the closet door, as in a swoon.]

Sir Jeal. The devil! I'll make a ghost of you, I warrant you. [Strives to get by.

Patch. Oh, hold, sir! have a care; you'll tread upon my lady-Who waits there? Bring some water. Oh! this comes of your opening the charm. Oh, oh, oh, oh ! [Weeps aloud.

Sir Jeal. I'll charm you, housewife. Here lies the charm that conjured this fellow in, I'm sure on't. Come out, you rascal, do so. Zounds! take her from the door, or I'll spurn her from it, and break your neck down stairs.

Isa. He's gone; I heard him leap down.

[Aside to PATCH.

Patch. Nay, then, let him enter-Here, here, madam, smell to this; come, give me your hand; come nearer to the window; the air will do you good.

Sir Jeal. I would she were in her grave.Where are you, sirrah? Villain! robber of my honour! I'll pull you out of your nest.

[Goes into the closet.

Patch. You'll be mistaken, old gentleman; the bird is flown.

Isa. I'm glad I have escaped so well; I was almost dead in earnest with the fright.

Re-enter SIR JEALOUS out of the closet.

Sir Jeal. Whoever the dog were, he has escaped out of the window, for the sash is up: but, though he is got out of my reach, you are not.And first, Mrs Pander, with your charms for the tooth-ache, get out of my house! go, troop! yet hold-stay-I'll see you out of my doors myself; but I'll secure your charge, ere I go.

Isa. What do you mean, sir? Was she not a creature of your own providing?

Sir Jeal. She was of the devil's providing, for aught I know.

Patch. What have I done, sir, to merit your displeasure?

Sir Jeal. I don't know which of you have done it, but you shall both suffer for it, till I can discover whose guilt it is. Go, get in there; I'll move you from this side of the house. [Pushes ISABINDA in at the door, and locks it, puts the key in his pocket-I'll keep the key myself; I'll try what ghost can get into that room: and now, forsooth, I'll wait on you down stairs.

Patch. Ah, my poor lady! Down stairs, sir! But I won't go out, sir, till I have locked up my

clothes.

Sir Jeal. If thou wert as naked as thou wert born, thou shouldst not stay to put on a smock. Come along, I say. When your mistress is married, you shall have your rags, and every thing that belongs to you; but, till then

[Exit, pulling her out. Patch. Oh, barbarous usage for nothing!

Re-enter at the lower end.

Sir Jeal. There, go, and come no more within sight of my habitation these three days, I charge you. [Slaps the door after her.

Patch. Did ever any body see such an old monster!

Enter CHARLES.

Oh, Mr Charles! Your affairs and mine are in an ill posture.

Cha. I am inured to the frowns of fortune; but what has befallen thee?

Patch. Sir Jealous, whose suspicious nature is always on the watch, nay, even while one eye sleeps, the other keeps centinel, upon sight of you, flew into such a violent passion, that I could find no stratagem to appease him; but, in spite of all arguments, he locked his daughter into his own apartment, and turned me out of doors.

Cha. Ha! oh Isabinda!

Patch. And swears she shall see neither sun nor moon, till she is Don Diego Babinetto's wife, who arrived last night, and is expected with impatience.

Cha. He dies; yes, by all the wrongs of love, he shall: Here will I plant myself, and through my breast he shall make his passage, if he en

ters.

Patch. A most heroic resolution! there might be ways found out more to your advantage: policy is often preferred to open force.

Cha. I apprehend you not.

Patch. What think you of personating this Spaniard, imposing upon the father, and marrying your mistress by his own consent?

Cha. Say'st thou so, my angel? Oh, could that be done, my life to come would be too short to recompense thee: but how can I do that, when I neither know what ship he came in, nor from what part of Spain, who recommends him, or

how attended?.

[blocks in formation]

SCENE III.-A garden-gate open; SCENTWELL waiting within.

Enter SIR George Airy.

Sir Geo. So, this is the gate, and most invitingly open. If there should be a blunderbuss here, now, what a dreadful ditty would my fall make for fools, and what a jest for the wits! how my name would be roared about the streets! Well, I'll venture all.

Scent. Hist, hist! sir George Airy- [Enters. Sir Geo. A female voice! thus far I'm safeMy dear!

Scent. No, I'm not your dear; but I'll conduct you to her. Give me your hand; you must go through many a dark passage and dirty step before you arrive

Sir Geo. I know I must, before I arrive at paradise; therefore, be quick, my charming guide. Scent. For aught you know. Come, come, your hand, and away.

Sir Geo. Here, here, child; you can't be half so swift as my desires. [Exeunt.

SCENE IV. The house.

Enter MIRANDA.

Mir. Well, let me reason a little with my mad self. Now, don't I transgress all rules, to venture upon a man without the advice of the grave and wise? But then, a rigid, knavish guardian, who would have married me-to whom? even to his nauseous self, or nobody. Sir George is what I have tried in conversation, inquired into his character, and am satisfied in both. Then his

love! Who would have given a hundred pounds only to have seen a woman he had not infinitely loved? So I find my liking him has furnished me with arguments enough of his side; and now, the only doubt remains whether he will come or

no.

Enter SCENTWELL and SIR GEORGE. Scent. That's resolved, madam; for here's the knight. [Exit SCENTWELL. Sir Geo. And do I once more behold that lovely object, whose idea fills my mind, and forms my pleasing dreams!

Mir. What, beginning again in heroicks!Sir George, don't you remember how little fruit your last prodigal oration produced? Not one bare single word in answer.

Sir Geo. Ha! the voice of my incognita!Why did you take ten thousand ways to captivate a heart your eyes alone had vanquished?

Mir. Pr'ythee, no more of these flights; for our time's but short, and we must fall to business. Do you think we can agree on that same terrible bugbear, matrimony, without heartily repenting on both sides?

Sir Geo. It has been my wish since first my longing eyes beheld you. Mir. And your happy ears drank in the pleasing news I had thirty thousand pounds..

Sir Geo. Unkind! did I not offer you, in those purchased minutes, to run the risk of your fortune, so you would but secure that lovely person to my arms?

Mir. Well, if you have such love and tenderness, since our wooing has been short, pray reserve it for our future days, to let the world see we are lovers after wedlock; 'twill be a novelty.

Sir Geo. Haste then, and let us tie the knot, and prove the envied pair

Mir. Hold, not so fast; I have provided better than to venture on dangerous experiments headlong-My guardian, trusting to guard my dissembled love, has given up my fortune to my own disposal, but with this proviso, that he to-morrow morning weds me. He is now gone to Doctors Commons for a licence.

Sir Geo. Ha! a licence!

Mir. But I have planted emissaries that infallibly take him down to Epsom, under a pretence that a brother usurer of his is to make him his executor, a thing on earth he covets.

Sir Geo. 'Tis his known character.

Mir. Now my instruments confirm him this man is dying, and he sends me word he goes this minute. It must be to-morrow ere he can be undeceived: that time is ours.

Sir Geo. Let us improve it then, and settle on our coming years endless, endless happiness!

Mir. I dare not stir till I hear he's on the road - then I and my writings, the most material point, are soon removed.

Sir Geo. I have one favour to ask if it lies in your power, you would be a friend to poor Charles; though the son of this tenacious man, he is as free from all his vices as nature and a good education can make him; and what now I have vanity enough to hope will induce you, he is the man on earth I love.

Mir. I never was his enemy, and only put it on as it helped my designs on his father. If his uncle's estate ought to be in his possession, which I shrewdly suspect, I may do him a singular piece of service.

Sir Geo. You are all goodness.
Enter SCENTWELL.

Scent. Oh, madam! my master and Mr Marplot are just coming into the house.

Mir. Undone, undone! if he finds you here in this crisis all my plots are unravelled.

Sir Geo. What shall I do? can't I get back into the garden?

Scent. O no! he comes up those stairs. Mir. Here, here, here! can you condescend to stand behind this chimney-board, sir George? Sir Geo. Any where, any where, dear madam! without ceremony.

Scent. Come, come, sir; lie close

Sir Fran. No, no, hussy; you have the green pip already; I'll have no apothecary's bills.

[Goes towards the chimney.

Mir. Hold, hold, hold, dear Gardy! I have a, a, a, a, a, monkey shut up there; and if you open it before the man comes that is to tame it, 'tis so wild 'twill break all my china, or get away, and that would break my heart; for I'm fond on't to distraction-next thee, dear Gardy!

[In a flattering tone.

Sir Fran. Well, well, Chargy, I won't open it; she shall have her monkey, poor rogue! Here, throw this peel out of the window.

[Erit SCENT.

Mar. A monkey! dear madam, let me see it; I can tame a monkey as well as the best of them all. Oh, how I love the little miniatures of man! Mir. Be quiet, mischief! and stand farther from the chimney-You shall not see my monkey-why sure[Striving with him.

Mar. For Heaven's sake, dear madam! let me but peep, to see if it be as pretty as lady Fiddle Faddie's. Has it got a chain?

Mir. Not yet, but I design it one shall last its lifetime. Nay, you shall not see it. - Look, Gardy, how he teazes me !

Sir Fran. [Getting between him and the chim[They put him behind the chimney board. ney.] Sirrah, sirrah, let my Chargy's monkey

Enter SIR FRANCIS and MARPLOT; SIR FRAN-
CIS peeling an orange.

Sir Fran. I could not go, though 'tis upon life and death, without taking leave of dear Chargy. Besides, this fellow buzzed into my ears, that thou might'st be so desperate as to shoot that wild rake which haunts the garden-gate, and that would bring us into trouble, dear

Mir. So, Marplot brought you back then?
Mar. Yes, I brought him back.

Mir. I'm obliged to him for that, I'm sure.
[Frowning at MARPLOT aside.

alone, or bamboo shall fly about your ears. What! is there no dealing with you.

Mar. Pugh, pox of the monkey! here's a rout! I wish he may rival you.

Enter a Servant.

Ser. Sir, they have put two more horses to the coach, as you ordered, and 'tis ready at the door.

Sir Fran. Well, I am going to be executor; better for thee, jewel. B'ye, Chargy; one buss! -I'm glad thou hast got a monkey to divert thee a little.

Mir. Thank'e, dear Gardy !-Nay, I'll see you

Mar. By her looks she means she's not obliged to the coach. to me. I have done some mischief now, but what, I can't imagine.

Sir Fran. Well, Chargy, I have had thrce messengers to come to Epsom, to my neighbour Squeezum's, who, for all his vast riches, is depart

[ocr errors][merged small]

[Sighs.

Mar. Ay, see what all you usurers must come

Sir Fran. Peace, you young knave! Some forty years hence I may think on't-But, Chargy, I'll be with thee to-morrow before those pretty eyes are open; I will, I will, Chargy; I'll rouse you, 'faith-Here, Mrs Scentwell, lift up your lady's chimney-board, that I may throw my peel in, and not litter her chamber.

Mir. Oh my stars! what will become of us

now!

Scent. Oh, pray, sir, give it me; I love it above all things in nature; indeed I do.

Sir Fran. That's kind, adad!
Mir. Come along, impertinence.

[TO MARPLOT.

Mar. [Stepping back.] Egad, I will see the monkey now. [Lifts up the board, and discovers SIR GEORGE. O O Lord! O Lord! Thieves! thieves! murder!

Sir Geo. Damn ye, you unlucky dog! 'tis I, Which way shall I get out? Shew me instantly, or I'll cut your throat.

Mar. Undone, undone! At that door there. But hold, hold; break that china, and I'll bring you off.

[He runs off at the corner, and throws down some china.]

Re-enter SIR FRANCIS, MIRANDA, and SCENT

WELL.

Sir Fran. Mercy on me! what's the matter?

Mir. O, you toad! what have you done? Mar. No great harm; I beg of you to forgive me: Longing to see the monkey, I did but just raise up the board, and it flew over my shoulders, scratched all my face, broke yon china, and whisked out of the window.

Sir Fran. Where, where is it, sirrah?

Mar. There, there, sir Francis, upon your neighbour Parmazan's pantiles.

Sir Fran. Was ever such an unlucky rogue! Sirrah, I forbid you my house. Call the servants to get the monkey again. Pug, Pug, Pug! I would stay myself to look for it, but that you know my earnest business.

Scent. Oh, my lady will be best to lure it back: all them creatures love my lady extremely.

Mir. Go, go, dear Gardy! I hope I shall recover it.

Sir Fran. B'ye, b'ye, dearee! Ah, mischief! how you look now! B'ye, b'ye.

[Erit SIR FRAN.

Mir. Scentwell, see him in the coach, and bring me word.

Scent. Yes, madam. [Exit SCENT. Mir. So, sir, you have done your friend a signal piece of service, I suppose?

Mar. Why, look you, madam, if I have committed a fault, thank yourself; no man is more serviceable when I am let into a secret, and none more unlucky at finding it out. Who could divine your meaning? when you talked of a blunderbuss, who thought of a rendezvous? and when you talked of a monkey, who the devil dreamt of sir George?

Mir. A sign you converse but little with our sex, when you can't reconcile contradictions.

Enter SCENTWELL.

Scent. He's gone, madam, as fast as the coach and six can carry him

Enter SIR GEORGE.

Sir Geo. Then I may appear.

Mar. Here's Pug, ma'am-Dear sir George! make my peace. On my soul I never took you for a monkey before!

Sir Geo. I dare sware thou didst not. Madam, I beg you to forgive him.

Mir. Well, sir George, if he can be secret. Mar. 'Odsheart, madam! I'm as secret as a priest, when trusted.

Sir Geo. Why, 'tis with a priest our business is at present.

Scent. Madam, here's Mrs Isabinda's woman to wait on you.

Mir. Bring her up.

[blocks in formation]

Mar. Ha! then there's something a-foot that I know nothing of. I'll wait on you, sir George.

Sir Geo. A third person may not be proper, perhaps. As soon as I have dispatched my own affairs, I am at his service. I'll send my servant to tell him I'll wait on him in half an hour.

Mir. How came you employed in this message, Mrs Patch?

Patch. Want of business, madam; I am discharged by my master, but hope to serve my lady still.

Mir. How! discharged! you must tell me the whole story within.

Patch. With all my heart, madam.

Mar. Tell it here, Mrs Patch. Pish, Pox! I wish I were fairly out of the house. I find marriage is the end of this secret; and now I am half mad to know what Charles wants him for. [Aside.

Sir Geo. Madam, I'm doubly pressed by love and friendship. This exigence admits of no delay. Shall we make Marplot of the party?

Mir. If you'll run the hazard, sir George; I believe he means well.

Mar. Nay, nay; for my part, I desire to be let into nothing; I'll be gone; therefore, pray don't [Going.

mistrust me.

Sir Geo. So, now he has a mind to be gone to Charles: but not knowing what affairs he may have upon his hands at present-I'm resolved he shan't stir. No, Mr Marplot, you must not leave us; we want a third person.

[Takes hold of him.

Mar. I never had more mind to be gone in my life.

Mir. Come along, then; if we fail in the voyage, thank yourself for taking this ill-starred gentleman on board.

Sir Geo. That vessel ne'er can unsuccessful prove,

Whose freight is beauty, and whose pilot's love. [Exit SIR GEORGE and MIRANDA. Mar. Tyty ti, tyty ti. [Steals off the other way. Re-enter SIR GEORGE.

Sir Geo. Marplot! Marplot! Mar. [Entering.] Here! I was coming, sir George. Lord, can't you let one tie up one's garter? [Exeunt.

« PreviousContinue »