( 177 ) Some ANECDOTES of Mr. EYRE, the celebrated Paper-Stealer. HE E was put apprentice, and served his time with Mr. Shuckburgh, bookfeller, in Fleet-freet. Upon the death of his father, who left him an affluent fortune, he commenced gentleman, took lodgings in Salisburycourt, Fleet-ftreet, and either married, or feemed to be married, to a young woman, by whom he had feveral children. Soon after this connection, an aunt of his died in Somersetshire, to whom he was heir at law. She had been attended during a long and tedious illness, by a phyfician in the neighbourhood, who, from his friendfhip and regard for her, not only promoted her recovery, (fome years before her death) but would not accept of any fee for his long attendance on her. His kindness and affiduity fo highly ingratiated him into her esteem, that he made a will, whereby the bequeathed him all her fortune, which was very confiderable; and when he waited upon her one day, the prefented him with it, faying, " pray, Doctor, read that paper at your leifure;" he accordingly took it with him: But, upon feeing her again, represented to her in the moft forcible terms, that he had a fufficient competency to live eafly and contentedly, that he had no higher ambition than to attend his patients, ferve them, and merit their good opinion; but, that if he were to accept the bequeft fhe propofed, he might forfeit their efteem, in diverting the channel of fucceffion in her family. In fine, with great difficulty he perfuaded her to make a new will, in which the bequeathed the Doctor only a thousand pounds, appointing him one of her executors. Upon the demife of the good old lady, the Doctor wrote to her nephew in London, informing him that he had fucceeded to his aunt's fortune, and defiring Mr. Eyre to come down to give the neceffary orders for her funeral. Mr. Eyre accordingly went down into Somersetshire, and, upon his arrival at his aunt's, was met by the Doctor, who informed him there was a will made in his favour, in her bureau, directing him to the drawer in which it was. Mr. Eyre went up ftairs, and finding his aunt's teftament, with the item in favour of the Doctor, immediately burnt it. The Doctor, upon feeing Mr. Eyre again, asked him if he had found the will. Eyre, at first, denied having met with any one; but being hard preffed, at length acknowledged that he had deftroyed it, faying, there was no occafion for a will, as he was by law heir to the whole eftate. "Yes, (fays a friend of the Doctor's who was prefent) but there was a legacy of a thousand pounds in behalf of the Doctor-do you intend to pay that?" "I know nothing of any legacy," replied Eyre," and fhall pay none." This fo enraged the Doctor, though he defpifed the money, that he immediately faid, "If that's the cafe, you have destroyed the will, and have. no one to fhew:-Let me tell you I have one," and immediately produced the will in his poffeffion, whereby he became fucceffor to a fortune of near twelve thousand pounds. Thus, we find Mr. Eyre's infamous thirst of gain has always been his foe; and the late inftance of expofing himself to transportation for a few quires of paper, feems to fum up his wretched character in a short compass. To the EDITOR of the OXFORD MAGAZINE. SIR, F all the fantastic amufements in writing. This fpecies of writing is fo Fall amus indulges repofitory of Lives, Opinions, Memoirs, itself, the moft whimfical is LifeVOL. VII. * I 178 Hiftory of "I will write my Life (fays Clodio, fitting on a three-legged table, with the stump of a pen in his hand); it has been chequered with incident, clouded with misfortunes, and diverfified with travel. The world has ufed me ill, and it fhall hear of it.""Patience, (replies a man of a gayer mood, who has just risen from his chocolate, and is ftrutting up and down his room in an Afiatic morning-gown and African flippers)-patience, Sir Serious! and let your betters have the pre-eminence: I have intrigued from fifteen to fifty, and the hiftory of Europe is blended with the hiftory of my amours.-Half of the age is of my be. getting, and 'tis fitting the next age fhould hear of their benefactor." Unhappy men! ye are both mistaken: Throw afide your pens, and let the one go to the dancing-fchool, and the other to church. If ye write your hiftories, what do ye but renew your crimes? What do ye but exhibit to the world a picture of difcontent and folly-a tiffue of melancholy and laughter? Is not this affuring the world, that the one is a blockhead, and the other a coxcomb?-We have enough of fuch already. Throw afide your pens, and the world will be freed of two more fools. If I were advising my grandfather to fay his prayers and think of heaven, I could not think more seriously than I do at prefent-and yet I fear my fellow-writers will not listen to me. Their paffions are concerned in the bunefs. Now, though I might be fuccefsful in oppofing the judgment, and convincing it of error; yet where the paffions are the leading motives, I de pair of the attempt. It is in vain to femind them, that, though Biography is the most useful and amufing department of Literature, when it is properly executed; yet, when it dwindles into a trivial detail of pert opinions, and trifling anecdotes, it lofes the utile et dulce: Its advantages and charms are tarnished; and instead of the manly exercife and difplay of the fuperior faculties, we are infulted with ftudies for choolboys, and amufements for chil. ren Mankina. And tell me, ye friends of modern Biography, what are all the swarms of new lives, new memoirs, and new novels, but candidates for this character? What are they but catalogues of private spleen and folly, or records of infamy and fcandal? In truth, this modern frippery is well calculated to gratify the weak and the wanton part of mankind; but the crop of a whole century will never fnatch an infamous man from infamy, nor add one virtuous man to the virtuous. In fhort, unless I offer my affiftance to this life-writing part of the world, I fee there will be no end of this trifling. Be it known, therefore, to all whom it may concern, that I have compofed a Book called the Hiftory of Mankind. As this is a work of labour and experience, the world will find their account in it. It will fave many a dull and honeft fellow the trouble of chewing his pen, fcratching his head, and beating his brains, for qualities which they never poffeffed, and for fictitious incidents to fupply the place of real ones. This work is divided and fubdivided into fections, which comprehend the different claffes of mankind; so that when a man is touched with the cacoethes fcribendi, and has an inclination to make the world acquainted with himself, he needs only to look into that clafs of the work which he belongs to, and he will find his Life and Opinions ready written to his hand. But a fpecimen will do better than a page of defcription. Thus, for A PHYSICIAN, May it not be faid, That he was a formal man, and wore a formal wigthat he spoke politics when he fhould be ftudying prefcriptions, and though he feldom cured a man, he never refufed his fee that he rolled in a chariot, took care to vifit his patients at dinner-time, and wrote a treatise on the Cure of the Gout--which, notwithstanding, is ftill undiscovered, and of which disease he died.-For A CITIZEN, That he was a prudent man, and liked his money better than all the friends and relations he had in the world, Hiftory of Mankind. world, that he went to church regularly one day in the week, and as regularly cheated his neighbours the other fix days-that he once made a fpeech in the Common-Council, took his daily Sixpennyworth at Ashley's, and heartily hated Lord North (or the Prime Minister for the time being)that he at length grew rich, got a country-houfe at Camberwell, with Chinese railing before it, and finally got a whisky, in which he drove his wife and children every Saturday afternoon to his country-houfe-and then died," after eating a hearty fupper." His OPINIONS. That he fwore eternal enmity to every Ministry, because they werethe Miniflry; that the Court ought to fubmit to the City in all cafes; that all education confifted in writing and arithmetic; and that turtle was a much better dish than French foups and French frogs. A JUSTICE. That he was one of the Quorum, never miffed a turnpike-meeting, was the terror of poachers and of the fathers of baftards, made a quarterly fpeech at the meeting of the Quorum, gave licenses to strollers, and had the gout; that he drank brown ale in the morning, read Acts of Parliament and the Country Juftice at noon, smoked his pipe after fupper, and had two daughters; and that he died the day after the general election. His OPINIONS. That the Revolution was a good thing fo was the game-act, and the dog-act was the belt of all; exportation ought to be unlimited; vagabonds punished; daughters fent out of London; the militia a very fine thing, and Lord Chatham the greatest politician in the world. A 'SQUIRE. That he was a wicked dog in his youth, and had a bastard at seventeen; that he kept a handfome dairy-maid, rode the best hunter in the county, and had the best dogs; that he had tried once to be Parliament-man, but was foiled by a Nabob, after which he turned fox-hunter; and that, having killed eighteen foxes, he next killed 179 He believed, that it was a great fhame the land-tax fhould be 4s. in the pound, which was owing to them damn'd Nobubs;" that he hated the Clergy, and the only nuifance in the nation was the Parfon of his parish; that Cyder and October were the moft wholefome drink, and he had but four enemies in the world-the French King, the Pope, the Pretender, and the Devil. A PARSON. That he was a very good man, tho' he loved pudding; that he was ftrict in receiving his tithes, and fettled the prices of pews; that he dined once a week with the 'Squire, wrote five fermons on toleration, and fifty against Popery; and that he died at a Christening. His OPINIONS. That the Clergy were the support of the kingdom; that a Bishop's stall was a fat place, and the Litany was free of errors; that matrimony was not fufficiently encouraged, and that Ringwood was the molt orthodox ale in the kingdom; that the fouls of the dead went immediately to their deftined place, and that there were no witches. A COLONEL. That he was the younger brother of a Lord, and could dance the best of any man in the regiment; that he loved a wench, and railed at religion; that he dressed well, and could lay fiege to a lady with continual fuccefs; and that after being thirty years a foldier, he died a natural death in his bed at home. His OPINIONS. He had none. When he had occafion for any, he borrowed them from his neighbours. A LORD. |