Ancients had a flux and reflux from the heart, like a Tide. Confider how Luxury hath introduced new difeafes, and with them, not improbably, altered the whole Course of the Fluids. Confider how the current of mighty Rivers, nay the very channels of the Ocean, are changed from what they were in ancient days; and can we be so vain to imagine that the Microcosm of the human body alone is exempted from the fate of all things? I queftion not but plaufible Conjectures may be made even as to the Time when the blood first began to circulate. Such difputes as thefe frequently perplexed the Profeffor to that degree, that he would now and then in a paffion leave him in the middle of a Lecture, as he did at this time.

There unfortunately happened, soon after, an unufual accident, which retarded the prosecution of the studies of Martin. Having purchased the body of a Malefactor, he hired a room for its diffection near the Peftfields in St. Giles's, at a little diftance from TyburnRoad. Crambe (to whofe care this body was committed) carried it thither about twelve o'clock at night in a Hackney coach, few Houfe-keepers being very willing to let their lodgings to fuch kind of Operators. As he was foftly ftalking up ftairs in the dark, with the dead man in his arms, his burthen had like to have flipped from him, which he (to fave from falling) grafped so hard about the belly, that it forced the wind through the Anus, with a noise exactly like the Crepitus of a living man. Crambe (who did not comprehend how this part of the Animal Oeconomy could remain in a dead man) was fo terrified, that he threw down the body, ran up to his mafter, and had fcarce breath to tell him what had happened. Martin with all his philofophy could not prevail upon him to return to his poft.-You may fay what you please (quoth Crambe), no man alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay he seemed to be mightily relieved by it. The rolling of the corpfe down stairs made fuch a noife that it awaked the whole houfe. The

maid fhrieked, the landlady cried out Thieves; but the landlord, in his shirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand, and a drawn fword in the other, ventured out of the room. The maid with only a fingle petticoat ran up ftairs, but fpurning at the dead body, fell upon it in a fwoon. Now the landlord ftood ftill and liften'd, then he looked behind him, and ventured down in this manner one stair after another, till he came where lay his maid, as dead, upon another corpfe unknown. The wife ran into the street, and cried out, Murder! the watch ran in, while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar, were coming down ftairs. The watch imagined they were making their escape, seized them immediately, and carried them to a neighbouring Juftice: where, upon Tearching them, several kinds of knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them. The Juftice firft examined Crambe. What is your Name? fays the Juftice. I have acquired (quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me Crambe or Crambo, no matter which, as to myfelf; though it may be fome difpute to Pofterity.-What is yours and your Mafter's profeffion?" It is our bufi"nefs to imbrue our hands in blood; we cut off the "heads, and pull out the hearts of those that never in

66

jured us; we rip up big-bellied women, and tear chil "dren limb from limb." Martin endeavoured to interrupt him; but the Juftice, being ftrangely aftonifhed with the frankness of Crambe's Confeffion, ordered him to proceed; upon which he made the following Speech. May it please your Worship, as touching the body "of this man, I can answer each head that my accusers "alledge against me to a hair. They have hitherto "talked like numfculls without brains; but if your Wor"fhip will not only give ear, but regard me with a fa"vourable eye, I will not be brow-beaten by the fuper"cilious looks of my adverfaries, who now ftand cheek "by jowl by your Worship. I will prove tot heir faces,

that their foul mouths have not opened their lips with"out a falfity; though they have showed their teeth as

"if they would bite off my nofe. Now, Sir, that I may "fairly flip my neck out of the collar, I beg this matter "may not be flightly fkinned over. Though I have no 66 man here to back me, I will unbofom myself, fince "Truth is on my fide, and fhall give them their bellies full, "though they think they have me upon the hip. Whereas "they fay. I came into their lodgings, with arms, and ❝ murdered this man without their Privity, I declare I "had not the leaft finger in it; and fince I am to stand ❝ upon my own legs, nothing of this matter fhall be left "till I fet it upon a right foot. In the vein I am in, I "cannot from my heart's blood and guts bear this ufage: "I fhall not spare my lungs to defend my good name: "I was ever reckoned a good liver; and I think I have "the bowels of compaffion. I ask but justice, and from "the crown of my head to the fole of my foot, I shall ever acknowledge myself your Worship's humble "Servant."

The Juftice ftared, the Landlord and Landlady lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while Crambe talked in this rambling incoherent manner; till at length Martin begged to be heard. It was with great difficulty that the Juftice was convinced, till they fent for the Finisher of human laws, of whom the Corpfe had been purchased; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No fooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a paffion at Crambe. "What Dæmon, he cried, hath "poffeffed thee, that thou wilt never forfake that imper<tinent custom of punning? Neither my counfel nor my 66 example have thus mifled thee? thou governeft thyself

by moft erroneous Maxims." Far from it (answers Crambe) my life is as orderly as my Dictionary, for by my Dictionary I order my life. I have made a Kalendar of radical words for all the feafons, months, and days of the year: Every day I am under the dominion of a certain Word but this day in particular I cannot be misled, for I am governed by one that rules all fexes, ages, conVOL. III. ditions

P

ditions, nay all animals rational and irrational. Who is not governed by the word Led? Our Noblemen and Drunkards are pimp-led, Phyficians and Pulfes fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a New-married Man and an Afs are bride-led, an old-married Man and a Pack-horfe fad-led, Cats and Dice are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are fty-led, a Coquette and a Tinder-box are fpark-led, a Lover and a Blunderer are grove-led, And that I may not be tedious Which thou art

(replied Martin, ftamping with his foot) which thou art, I fay, beyond all human toleration. Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unprofitable

There it is now! (interrupted Crambe) this is your day for Uns. Martin could bear no longer--however, compofing his Countenance, "Come hither (he cried) "there are five pounds, feventeen fhillings, and nine ઃઃ pence: thou haft been with me eight months, three "weeks, two days, and four hours." Poor Crambe upon the receipt of his falary, fell into tears, flung the mo ney upon the ground, and burst forth in these words: -O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a "crime I have learned from thee: O Bias, Bias! if to pun be a crime, by thy example was I biaffed.".

Whereupon Martin (confidering that one of the greatest Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had punned) hefitated, relented, and reinftated Crambe in his Service.

CHAP. IX.

How Martin became a great Critick.

IT was a moft peculiar Talent in Martinus, to convert every trifle into a serious thing, either in the way of Life, or in Learning. This can no way be better exemplified, than in the effect which the puns of Crambe had on the Mind and Studies of Martinus. He conceived, that

fome

fomewhat of a like Talent to this of Crambe, of affembling parallel founds, either fyllables, or words, might conduce to the Emendation and Correction of Ancient Authors, if applied to their Works, with the fame diligence, and the fame liberty. He refolved to try firft upon Virgil, Ho race, and Terence; concluding, that, if the most correct authors could be fo ferved, with any reputation to the Critick, the amendment and alteration of all the reft would eafily follow; whereby a new, a vaft, nay boundlefs Field of Glory, would be opened to the true and abfolute Criticks

This Specimen on Virgil he has given us, in the Addenda to his Notes on the Dunciad. His Terence and Horace are in every body's hands, under the names of Richard B-ley, and Francis H-re. And we have convincing proofs that the late Edition of Milton, published in the name of the former of these, was in truth the work of no other than our Scriblerus.

CHA P. X.

Of Martinus's uncommon Practice of Phyfick, and how he applied himself to the Diseases of the Mind.

BUT it is high time to return to the Hiftory of the Progrefs of Martinus in the Studies of Phyfick, and to enumerate some at least of the many Discoveries and Experiments he made therein.

One of the first was his method of investigating latent Diftempers, by the fagacious Quality of Setting Dogs and Pointers. The fuccefs, and the Adventures that befel him, when he walked with thefe animals, to fmell them out in the Parks and publick places about London, are what we would willingly relate; but that his own Account, together with a Lift of thofe Gentlemen and Ladies at whom they made

P 2