Page images
PDF
EPUB

Ancients had a flux and reflux from the heart, like a Tide. Consider how Luxury bath introduced new diseases, and with them, not improbably, altered the whole Course of the Fluids. Consider how the current of mighty Rivers, nay the very channels of the Ocean, are changed from what they were in ancient days; and can we be fo vain to imagine that the Microcosm of the human body alone is exempted from the fate of all things ? I question not but plausible Conjectures may be made even as to the Time when the blood first began to circulate.-Such disputes as these frequently perplexed the Profeffor to that degree, that he would now and then in a passion leave him in the middle of a Lecture, as he did at this time,

There unfortunately happened, soon after, an unusual accident, which retarded the prosecution of the ftudies of Martin. Having purchased the body of a Ma. lefactor, he hired a room for its diffection near the Peftfields in St, Giles's, at a little distance from TyburnRoad. Crambe (to whose care this body was committed) carried it thither about twelve o'clock at night in a Hackney çoach, few House-keepers being very willing to let their lodgings to such kind of Operators. As he was softly stalking up stairs in the dark, with the dead man in his arms, his burthen had like to have flipped from him, which he (to save from falling) grasped so hard about the belly, that it forced the wind through the Anus, with a noise exactly like the Crepitus of a liv. ing man. Crambe (who did not comprehend how this part of the Animal Oeconomy could remain in a dead man) was so terrified, that he threw down the body, ran up to his master, and had scarce breath to tell him what had happened. Martin with all his philosophy could not prevail upon him to return to his post. You may say what you please (quoth Crambe), no man alive ever broke wind more naturally; nay he seemed to be mightily relieved by it.-The rolling of the corpse down stairs made such a noise that it awaked the whole house. The

maid shrieked, the landlady cried out Thieves; but the landlord, in his shirt as he was, taking a candle in one hand, and a drawn sword in the other, ventured out of the room.

The maid with only a single petticoat ran up ftairs, but spurning at the dead body, fell upon it in a fwoon. Now the landlord stood still and liften'd, then he looked behind him, and ventured down in this manner one stair after another, till he came where lay his maid, as dead, upon another corpse unknown. The wife ran into the street, and cried out, Murder! the watch ran in, while Martin and Crambe, hearing all this uproar, were coming down stairs.

The watch imagined they were making their escape, seized them immediately, and carried them to a neighbouring Justice: where, upon Tearching them, several kinds of knives and dreadful weapons were found upon them. The Justice first examined Crambe.—What is your Name ? says the Justice. I have acquired (quoth Crambe) no great Name as yet; they call me Crambe or Crambo, no matter which, as to myself; though it may be some dispute to Pofterity.-What

and

your Master's profession? “ It is our busi6 nefs to imbrue our hands in blood; we cut off the “ heads, and pull out the hearts of those that never in“ jured us; we rip up big-bellied women, and tear chil. 66 dren limb from limb.” Martin endeavoured to interTupt him; but the Justice, being ftrangely astonished with the frankness of Crambe's Confeffion, ordered him to proceed ; upon which he made the following Speech.

“ May it please your Worship, as touching the body " of this man, I can answer each head that my accusers 56 alledge against me to a hair. They have hitherto 66 talked like numsculls without brains; but if your Wor

ship will not only give ear, but regard me with a fa66 vourable eye, I will not be brow-beaten by the super“ cilious looks of my adversaries, who now stand cheek « by jowl by your Worship. I will prove tot heir faces, rs that their foul mouths have not opened their lips with“ out a falsity; though they have showed their teeth as

is yours

[ocr errors]

if they would bite off my nose. Now, Sir, that I inay, “ fairly slip my neck out of the collar, I beg this matter

may not be slightly skinned over. Though I have no " man here to back me, I will unbosom myself, fince " Truth is on my side, and shall give them their bellies full, “ though they think they have me upon the hip. Whereas " they say. I came into their lodgings, with arms,

and s murdered this man without their Privity, I declare I: “ had not the least finger in it; and since I am to stand

upon my own legs, nothing of this matter shall be left “ till I set it upon a right foot. In the vein I am in, I “ cannot from my heart's blood and guts bear this usage: " I shall not spare my lungs to defend my good name : “ I was ever reckoned a good liver; and I think I have “ the bowels of compassion. I ask but justice, and from “ the crown of my head to the sole of my foot, I shall

ever acknowledge myself your Worship’s humble 6 Servant."

The Justice ftared, the Landlord and Landlady lifted up their eyes, and Martin fretted, while Crambe talked in this rambling incoherent manner; till at length Martin begged to be heard. It was with great difficulty that the Justice was convinced, till they sent for the Finisher of human laws, of whom the Corpse had been purchased; who looking near the left ear, knew his own work, and gave Oath accordingly.

No sooner was Martin got home, but he fell into a paffion at Crambe.

" What Dæmon, he cried, hath “ possessed thee, that thou wilt never forsake that imper« tinent custom of punning ? Neither my counsel nor my

example have thus misled thee? thou governest thyself " by moft erroneous Maxims." Far from it (answers Crambe) my life is as orderly as my Dictionary, for by my Dictionary I order my life. I have made a Kalendar of radical words for all the seasons, months, and days of the year : Every day I ain under the dominion of a certain Word : but this day in parțicular I cannot be mifled, for I am governed by one that rules all sexes, ages, conVOL. III. P

ditions

ditions, nay all animals rational and irrational. Who is not governed by the word Led? Our Noblemen and Drunkards are pimp-led, Physicians and Pulses fee-led, their Patients and Oranges pil-led, a New-married Man and an Afs are bride-led, an old-married Man and a Pack-horse fad-led, Cats and Dice are rat-led, Swine and Nobility are sty-led, a Coquette and a Tinder-box are spark-led, a Lover and a Blunderer are groye-ledą And that I may not be tedious. Which thou art (replied Martin, stamping with his foot) which thou art, I say, beyond all human toleration. Such an unnatural, unaccountable, uncoherent, unintelligible, unprofitable There it is now! (interrupted Crambe) this is your day for Uns, Martin could bear no longer--however, composing his Countenance, “ Come hither (he cried) " there are five pounds, seventeen shillings, and nine “ pence: thou haft been with me eight months, three “ weeks, two days, and four hours." Poor Crambe upon the receipt of his falary, fell into tears, flung the mo: ney upon the ground, and burst forth in these words:

“ O Cicero, Cicero! if to pun be a crime, 'tis a 66 crime I have learned from thee: 0 Bias, Bias! if to

pun be a crime, by thy example was I biassed.” Whereupon Martin (considering that one of the greatest Orators, and even a Sage of Greece had punned) hefitated, relented, and reinstated Crambe in his Service.

CH A P. IX.

How Martin became a great Critick,

IT

was a moft peculiar Talent in Martinus, to convert every trifle into a serious thing, either in the way of Life, or in Learning. This can no way be better exemplified, than in the effect which the puns of Crambe had on the Mind and Studies of Martinus. He conceived, that

some

somewhat of a like Talent to this of Crambe, of assembling parallel sounds, either syllables, or words, might conduce to the Emendation and Correction of Ancient Authors, if applied to their Works, with the same diligence, and the same liberty. He resolved to try first upon Virgil, Horace, and Terence; concluding, that, if the most correct authors could be so served, with any reputation to the Critick, the amendment and alteration of all the rest would easily follow ; whereby a new, a vaft, nay boundless Field of Glory, would be opened to the true and absolute Critick.

This Specimen on Virgil he has given us, in the Addenda to his Notes on the Dunciad. His Terence and Horace are in every body's hands, under the names of Richard B-ley, and Francis H-re. And we have convincing proofs that the late Edition of Milton, published in the name of the former of these, was in truth the work of no other than our Scriblerus.

CH A P. X.

Of Martinus's uncommon Practice of Phyfick, and how

he applied himself to the Diseases of the Mind.

BUT it is high time to return to the History of the Pro

gress of Martinus in the Studies of Phyfick, and to enumerate some at least of the many Discoveries and Experiments he made therein.

One of the first was his method of investigating latent Diftempers, by the sagacious Quality of Setting.Dogs and Pointers.' The success, and the Adventures that befel him, when he walked with these animals, to smell them out in the Parks and publick places about London, are what we would willingly relate; but that his own Account, together with a Lift of those Gentlemen and Ladies at whom they P 2

made

« PreviousContinue »