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TRIALS OF TEMPER.

BY THE ETTRICK SHEPHERD.

"I SAY she is neither handsome, nor comely, nor agreeable, in any one respect, Mr Burton; and I cannot help considering myself as rather humbug ged in this business. Do you account it nothing to bring a man of my temperament a chase of three hundred miles on a fool's errand?"

"My dear sir, I beg a thousand pardons. But really, if you esteem Miss Eliza Campbell, your own relation as well as mine, as neither handsome, beautiful, nor accomplished, why, I must say you have lost, since you went abroad, every sense of distinction; every little spark that you once possessed of taste and discernment in female accomplishments. Why, now, I suppose, a lady, to suit your taste, Doctor, must be blackas black as a coal, and well tatooed over the whole body?”

"None of your gibes and jeers with me, Mr Burton. I did not, and do not, mean to give any offence; but it is well known to all your friends, and has been known to me these thirty years, what a devil of a temper you have. As to my taste and discernment in female beauty, I have seen too much of life to be directed in these by a petty dealer in Galashiels graycloth, corduroy breeches, and worsted stockings,-ay, even though he add Kilmarnock bonnets, pirnie caps, and mittens, to the inventory. And if you had any degree of temper, I would tell you, that your niece, Miss Camp bell, is one of the worst-looking, worstconditioned middle-aged women, that I ever looked on!"

"Temper! Ishort of temper? Why, I must say, sir, that I would not be possessed of a temper as irritable as yours, to be made owner of all the shops in this street, as well as the goods that are in them. You are a very nettle, sir, a piece of brown-paper wet with turpentine,-a barrel of gunpowder that can be ignited by one of its own grains, and fly in the face of the man who is trying and exerting himself to preserve it. I am a clothier. I do not deny it ; and think no shame of my business. But though I have not poisoned so many Pagans and Ma

hometans as you have done, nor been paid for so doing, by a thousand lacs of rupees, I can nevertheless keep the crown of the causeway, and look all my creditors in the face. Ay, and moreover, I can kneel before my Maker, sir, and entreat his blessing on myself and others, with a clear conscience, and that is more than some of your Nabob sort of people can do! Miss Campbell is too good-much too good-for you, sir; and I must say, that I regret exceedingly having invited you so far to come and insult her-in my presence, too, her nearest relation! I must say, sir, that you had better take care not to say as much again as you have said, else you may chance to be surprised at the consequence."

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Why certainly the devil has entered personally into this retailer of gray-cloth and carpets! There, he would persuade me, that I am irritable and passionate, and he the reverse; while, in the meantime, here has he got into a violent rage, and chafing like the vexed ocean, and I as cool as a summer evening in Kashmere !"

"Cool?-you cool, sir? Why you are at this moment in a furnace of a passion! Wherefore else should you knock on my counter in that way? You think to intimidate me, I suppose; but you shall neither fright me out of my reasonableness nor equanimity.”

And

"Your equanimity! St Patrick save the mark! How long is it since you were sued at law, and heavily fined, for knocking down your shopman with the ellwand? how many honest customers have you threatened across that counter with the same infernal weapon, before you could bring your reason to control your wrath? And when we were at school together, how often did the rest of the boys combine to banish you from all their games, calling you the crabbed tailor, and pelting you without mercy? And what was worst of all, how often did I get my head broken in your defence?"

"It is too true,-perfectly true !— I remember several of the circumstances quite well. Give me your hand, my old and trusty friend, and come

and dine with me to-morrow; for my heart warms to you when I think of our early friendship, and the days of our youthful enjoyments."

"And well may mine warm to you, for assisted me out, when no other you friend would venture, and, I had reason to fear, put your little credit right hardly to stake on my account. And do you know, Burton, that when I left Scotland, and took leave of all my friends, with much probability that it would be for the last time, not a man or woman amongst them shed tears at parting with me but yourself. That simple circumstance has never been erased from my memory, nor ever will. And before I left India I made a will, which is safe in the Register-Chamber of Fort William, and whereby, in the event of my dying without a family, you will find yourself entitled to the half of my fortune."

"My dear sir, that little pecuniary matter has been doubly repaid long ago; and as for that part of the will which is deposited at Fort William, and that devises to me, I shall do all in my power to render it of none effect. Come and dine with me to-morrow.'

"I will, with all my heart." "That's well. And we will have some conversation about the exploits and joys of our youthful years; for, though much has past over our heads, as well as through our hands and our hearts, since that period, still one single reminiscence of it is like a warm blink of sunshine in a winter day. I have often wondered, Doctor, what it is that makes the recollections of youth so delightful; for, as far as I remember my sensations at that time, they were anything but desirable, my joys being transient, and wofully mingled up with vexations and disappoint ments."

"There is something in the buoyancy of youthful spirits so akin to happiness, that the existence of the one almost implies the presence of the other. The ardency of hope, the first breathings of youthful affection, all render that a season to be thought on with delight.-Have you not some daughters of your own, Mr Burton?"

"I have two very amiable girls, and one of them marriageable, too; but, after hearing your opinion of the most accomplished young lady of the realm, I dare not submit them to VOL. XXIII.

your scrutiny. You shall not meet them at dinner to-morrow."

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"I insist on meeting them at dinr-What! shall I not be introduced to the daughters of my best friend ?” "Your taste has become so horribly sophisticated, and then you speak out your sentiments so plainly, that no girl is safe from insult with you. Remember, my girls are not blackamoors any more than Miss Campbell is.”

"There the bad temper flies out again! This Miss Campbell is a sore subject. Would that I had never seen her!-The truth is, I must speak my sentiments, and, with regard to her, they are anything but those of approbation."

"Why, sir, you're not only blind, but utterly perverse and obstinate. Miss Campbell is the most approved beauty in Edinburgh at the present time; but she is an orphan, and has no fortune-there your antipathy lies! Money is your object! money, money!-that is manifest. Pray, could you not have got a blackamoor, with a camel's load or two of rupees, for a spouse, and so saved the expense of a journey to Britain ?"

"I will tell you what, friend-I have a great mind to break your head, and so save the expense of a rope to hang you in. A piece of presumption, indeed, to think to dictate to my tastes, or analyze the springs of my affection and dislike!"

Here the clothier seized his massy mahogany ellwand, and his friend the Doctor, having heard of the feats of arms performed by that unlucky weapon, thought proper to decamp, which he did with a kind of forced laugh, half in wrath at the ridiculous exhibition the two had made. Nevertheless, he returned, after walking about thirty paces, and, setting his head over the half-door, said, emphatically, "Now, after all, you must be sensible that she is very homely, vulgar, and disagreeable; and confoundedly affected?" Then, perceiving the ellwand once more emerging from its dark corner, he made a hasty retreat, desecrating, all the way, the misfortune of a bad temper.

That evening Mr Burton got a note from Miss Campbell, which puzzled him a great deal; it ran thus:

"MY DEAR UNCLE, "I am quite delighted with your friend F

Dr Brown. I expected to have met an elderly gentleman, but was agree ably surprised at meeting with so much elegance, conjoined with youth. He is certainly the most engaging and courteous gentleman I have ever seen, and has already made me an offer, which I think it would be imprudent in me to reject. As I have much to say to you on this subject, I will come down and see you in the coach to-morrow. "Your ever affectionate niece,

"ELIZA CAMPBELL."

"So, the Nabob has been hoaxing me all this while," said the clothier to himself, chuckling. He then laughed at Miss Campbell's mistake about his friend's age, and slily remarked, that money was all powerful in modifying ages to suit each other. After considering the matter a little more seriously, he became suspicious that some mistake had occurred, for he knew it to be his friend the Doctor's disposition always to speak his sentiments rather too freely, and, in the present instance, he seemed to be quite chagrined and out of humour whenever Miss Campbell was named. The good clothier had a sincere affection for his niece, and, having a large family of his own to provide for, he was anxious to see her settled in life by a respectable marriage, particularly as she had of late begun to be noted as a great beauty, and was toasted by the beaux. So the clothier remained involved in a puzzle until the next day, when his niece arrived; and still from her he could learn nothing, but that all was as it should be. He asked who introduced Dr Brown to her. It was the very friend to whom the clothier had written to perform that friendly office. He made her describe Dr Brown's person and address, and, as far as the clothier could see, they corresponded to a very tittle.-Very well, thinks the clothier to himself, as I am uncertain whether the crabbed loon will come to dinner to-day or not, I will say nothing about it, and then I will see how the two are affected when they meet.

Four o'clock came, so the clothier went home to his house, and put on his black coat and silk stockings; and then he paced up and down his little snug parlour, which served as a drawing-room, with much impatience, going every five minutes up stairs to look out at the window.

"Who dines with my uncle to-day?" said Miss Campbell to her cousin, Ellen Burton;-" I see you have an extra cover set, and he seems rather in the fidgets because his guest is not

come.

"I do not know who it is," returned Miss Burton; "he merely said that he expected a stranger to dine with him to-day-some English bagman, I suppose. We have these people frequently with us; but I never regard them, always leaving them with my father, to consult about markets and bargains, as soon as dinner is over; and we will leave them the same way tonight, and go to Mrs Innes's grand tea party, you know."

"O, by all means."

With that the Doctor entered, and was welcomed by a hearty and kindly shake of the hand; and, leading him forward, Burton said, "This is my daughter Ellen, sir, and her sister Jane." Of Miss Campbell he made no mention, conceiving that she and the Doctor were well acquainted be fore. But either the Doctor and she had not been acquainted before—or else the room was so dark that the Doctor could not see distinctly, (for he was very much out of breath, which mazes the eye-sight a great deal,)-or the beauty of the young ladies had dazzled him-or some unaccountable circumstance had occurred, for the Doctor did not recognise Miss Campbell, nor did the young lady take any notice of him. On the contrary, Jane Burton being only a little girl, and below the Doctor's notice at that time of night, he took the other two for the clothier's daughters, and addressed them as such all the time of dinner. The two young giglets being amused by the simple mistake, encouraged the stranger in it, answering to their names, and quizzing one another about the bagman and his patterns, of all which the Doctor understood not one word; but the clothier thought it altogether a very odd business; yet he carved his beef and his chuckies, and held his peace, suffering the girls to have out their joke, deeming it all affectation on Miss Campbell's part, and some strange misconception of the Doctor's, which he resolved to humour.

The Doctor was so polite and attentive to the young ladies, and appeared so highly delighted with them, that they were insensibly induced to stay

longer at table than they intended, and on their going away, he conducted them to the door, kissed both their hands, and said a number of highly flattering things to them. On again taking his seat, being in high spirits, he said, "Why, in the name of wonder, my dear friend, should you endeavour to put grist by your own mill, as the saying is? These daughters of yours are by far the most accomplished and agreeable young ladies whom I have seen since my return from India. The eldest is really a masterpiece, not only of Nature's workmanship, but of all that grace and good-breeding can bestow."

"I thank you kindly, sir; I was afraid they would be a little too fair of complexion for your taste. Pray have you never met with that eldest one before? for it struck me that you looked as you had been previously acquainted."

"How was it possible I could ever have seen her? But you know a bachelor of my years assumes a privilege with young ladies which would be widely out of place with our juniors, while it not unfrequently has the effect of rendering us the greater favourites of the two. It is quite well known, Mr Burton, what my errand to Britain is at this time. I have never concealed it from you. It is to obtain a wife; and now to receive one out of your family, and from your own hand, would be my highest desire; settlements are nothing between us. These shall be of your own making. Your eldest daughter, the tallest I mean, positively the most charming woman I ever saw. Bestow her upon me, and I am the happiest man in his Majesty's

dominions.'

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"You shall have her, Doctor-you shall have her with all my heart; and I think I have a small document on hand to show that you can likewise have her consent for the asking, if indeed you have not obtained it already."

"I will double your stock in trade, sir, before I leave this country, if you realize this promise to me. My jaunt from India beyond the Ganges is likely to be amply compensated. Why, the possession of such a jewel is worth ten voyages round the world, and meeting all the lines at Musselburgh. But I'll warrant I may expect some twitches

of temper from her-that I may reckon upon as a family endowment."

"And will there be no equivalent on the other side? No outbreakings of violence, outrage, and abuse? The Ethiopian cannot change his skin, nor the leopard his spots; no more can he of an unruly temper sit beneath the sway of reason. At all events, the reflection on me and my family comes with a bad grace from such a firebrand as yourself.

"Stop, for heaven's sake, my good friend, stop; let us not mar so excellent a prospect, by sounding the jarring strings of our nature together. Why, sir, whenever a man comes within the bounds of your atmosphere, he treads on phosphorus-he breathes it, and is not for a moment certain that he may not be blown up in an electric flash. Why get into such a rage at a goodnatured joke?"

"It was a very ill-natured joke; and I have yet to learn that you ever did a genuinely good-natured thing in your life. Even now you are all this while playing at hide-and-seek with me- -playing at some back game, that I cannot comprehend, in order to make a fool of me. Do you wish me to tell you what I think of you, sir?”

"And pray what do I care what you think of me? Does it any way affect me what may be the opinion of such a being as you?-You think of me!"

"There goes! There goes the old man, with all his infirmities on his head."

"Who is an old man, Mr Burton? Who is an old man full of infirmities? Old!-to your teeth, sir, you are years older than myself.”

"Do you know, sir, who you are speaking to, sir? or whose house you are in, sir?"

"Yes, I do, sir. I know very well whose house I am in, and whose house I shall soon be out of, too; and whose house I shall never enter again as long as I live. Do I not know all these, sir? What you think of me, forsooth! I have thought more of you than ever it behoved me to have done; and this is the reception I have met with in return!"

"Now pardon me this once, Doctor, and I shall never get angry with you again. I'll bear all your infirmities with the patience of Job; but you

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"Hold there. Go no farther at present until the furnace-heat of your temper be somewhat allayed. We are friends, and must be friends as long as we live, notwithstanding of our failings. We have all much to forgive one another in this life. But you took me so short, when it was Miss Campbell only that I wanted to talk about."

"Miss Campbell whom you wanted to talk about! A singular subject truly, so immediately after the cessation of hostilities. I tell you once for all, Mr Burton, that I will have nothing to do with Miss Campbell-nothing to say to her; for she is absolutely my aversion."

"It is false, sir-every word of it is false; for you shall have to say to her and do with her both, and she is not your aversion. Nay, do not go to get into one of your boundless fits of rage again, for out of your own mouth will I condemn you; and if you deny your own words and mine, I will show you the lady's writ and signature to the fact."

"I was not even able to say a civil thing to the lady."

"You were. You said the most civil things to her that you could invent. You made an offer of your hand to her, and you made the same offer to me.

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"I'll fight the man either with sword or pistols who would palm such an imposition on me."

The clothier made no answer to this save by handing over Miss Campbell's note to the astonished physician, who read as follows:-" "I am quite delighted with your friend Dr Brown.' Hem! Thank you, Miss Eliza Campbell. So is not his friend Dr Brown

with you, I assure you. 'I expected to have met with an elderly gentleman, but was agreeably surprisedOho! hem, hem! What is all this? The girl has some sense and discernment though; for, do you know, I am never taken for a man above thirty."

"That I think does not show much discernment either in them or in her."

"I beg pardon, sir; I only meant to say that the girl saw with the same eyes as the generality of mankind, which at least manifests some degree of common sense. But it is all very well; I see through the letter-a trap to catch a badger, I suppose. As to the insinuation that I made her an offer, she has made it, or dreamed it, or conceived it, of herself, one way or other, for the deuce an offer I made to her of any sort whatever."

"Why, now, Doctor, the whole of your behaviour on this occasion is to mea complete mystery; for the young lady who sat on your right hand today at table, is no other than the same Miss Campbell, my niece, whom you have been all along so undeservedly abusing."

"Are you telling the truth, Mr Burton? Are you not dreaming ?—I see you are telling me the truth. Why then did you introduce them to me as your daughters?"

"I introduced my two daughters only, believing that you two were perfectly acquainted before."

"She has then been introduced to me in a mask. There is not a doubt of it. She has spoke to me under a disguise of false form and false features, yet I thought all the while that I recognised the voice. And was yon lovely, adorable creature, with the auburn hair and dark eyes, the seamaw's neck, and the swan's bosom, the same who wrote that pretty card about me?"

"The same, I assure you."

"Give it me again that I may kiss it, and look at every elegant letter it contains. I have had flatterers of the sex, black and white, brown and yellow, but never before received flattery from such a superlative being as she is. Where are the ladies? Let us go to them and have tea, for I have an intense longing to look on the angel again. How right you were in your estimation of the young lady, and how grievously I was in the wrong! I would now shoot any man who dared to use such language of her as I did. I would rather she had been your daughter though, for sake of the days of langsyne, even though she is my own half-cousin by the mother's side."

Never was there a more impassioned lover than the Doctor was with this

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