MEMOIRS of P. P.

CLERK of this PARISH.

ADVERTISEMENT.

The Original of the following extraordinary Treatife confifted of two large Volumes in Folio; which might juftly be intitled, The Importance of a Man to himself: But, as it can be of very little to any body befides, I have contented myfelf to give only this fhort Abstract of it, as a Taste of the true Spirit of Memoir-Writers.

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N the name of the Lord. Amen. I, P. P. by the Grace of God, Clerk of this Parifh, writeth this Hiftory.

Ever fince I arrived at the age of discretion, I had a call to take upon me the function of a Parish-clerk; and to that end, it seemed unto me meet and profitable to affociate myself with the parish-clerks of this Land; fuch I mean, as were right worthy in their calling, men of a clear and fweet voice, and of becoming gravity.

Now it came to pafs, that I was born in the year of our Lord Anno Domini 1655, the year wherein our worthy benefactor, Efquire Bret, did add one Bell to the ring of this Parish. So that it hath been wittily faid, "That one and the fame "day did give to this our Church two rare gifts, ❝ its great Bell and its Clerk."

Even when I was at school, my mistress did ever extol me above the reft of the youth, in that I had a laudable voice. And it was further-more obferved, that I took a kindly affection unto that Black letter in which our Bibles are printed. Yea, often did I exercise myself in finging godly ballads, fuch as The Lady and Death, The Children in the Wood, and Chevy-Chace; and not, like other children, in lewd and trivial ditties. Moreover, while I was a boy, I always adventured to lead the pfalm next after Master William Harris, my predeceffor, who (it must be confeffed to the Glory of God) was a moft excellent Parish-clerk in that his day.

Yet be it acknowledged, that at the age of fixteen I became a Company-keeper, being led into idle converfation by my extraordinary love to Ringing; infomuch, that in a fhort time I was acquainted with every fett of bells in the whole country: Neither could I be prevailed upon to absent myself from Wakes, being called thereunto by the harmony of the fteeple. While I was in these focieties, I gave myself up to unfpiritual pastimes, such as wrestling, dancing, and cudgelplaying; fo that I often returned to my father's house with a broken pate. I had my head broken at Milton by Thomas Wyat, as we played a bout or two for an Hat that was edged with filver galloon. But in the year following I broke the head of Henry Stubbs, and obtained an hat not inferior to the former. At Yelverton I encountred George Cummins, Weaver, and behold my head was broken a fecond time! At the wake of Waybrook I engaged William Simkins, Tanner, when lo! thus was my head broken a third time, and much blood trickled therefrom. But I adminiftred to my comfort, faying within myfelf, "What man "is there, howfoever dextrous in any craft, who

is for aye on his guard?" A week after I had a base-born child laid unto me; for in the days of my youth I was looked upon as a follower of venereal fantafies: Thus was I led into fin by the comelinefs of Sufanna Smith, who firft tempted me and then put me to fhame; for indeed fhe was a maiden of a seducing eye, and pleasant feature. I humbled myself before the Juftice, I acknowledged my crime to our curate; and to do away mine offences and make her fome attonement, was joined to her in holy wedlock on the fabbath day following.

How often do thofe things which feem unto us misfortunes, redound to our advantage! For the Minifter (who had long look'd on Sufanna as the moft lovely of his parishioners) liked fo well of my demeanour, that he recommended me to the honour of being his Clerk, which was then become vacant by the decease of good Mafter William Harris.

Here ends the first chapter; after which follow fifty or fixty pages of his amours in general, and that particular one with Sufanna his prefent Wife; but I proceed to chapter the ninth.

No fooner was I elected into mine office, but I layed afide the powder'd gallantries of my youth, and became a new man, I confidered myself as in fome wife of ecclefiaftical dignity, fince by wearing a band, which is no fmall part of the ornament of our Clergy, I might not unworthily be deemed, as it were, a fhred of the linen veftment of Aaron.

Thou may'ft conceive, O reader, with what concern I perceived the eyes of the congregation fixed upon me, when I firft took my place at the feet of the Priest. When I raised the pfalm, how R 2

did

did my voice quaver for fear! And when I array'd the fhoulders of the Minifter with the furplice, how did my joints tremble under me! I faid within myself," Remember, Paul, thou ftandest "before men of high worship, the wife Mr. Juf❝tice Freeman, the grave Mr. Justice Tonfon, "the good Lady Jones, and the two virtuous gen"tlewomen her daughters, nay the great Sir Tho"mas Truby, Knight and Baronet, and my young "mafter the Efquire, who fhall one day be Lord "of this Manor:" Notwithstanding which, it was my good hap to acquit myself to the good liking of the whole congregation; but the Lord forbid I fhould glory therein.

The next chapter contains an account how he dif harged the feveral duties of his office; in particular he infifts on the following:

I was determined to reform the manifold Corruptions and Abuses which had crept into the Church.

Firft, I was especially fevere in whipping forth dogs from the Temple, all excepting the lap-dog of the good widow Howard, a fober dog which yelped not, nor was there offence in his mouth.

Secondly, I did even proceed to morofenefs, tho' fore against my heart, unto poor babes, in tearIng from them the half-eaten apples which they privily munch'd at Church. But verily it pity'd me, for I remember'd the days of my youth.

Thirdly, With the fweat of my own hands, I did make plain and fmooth the dogs-ears throughout our great Bible.

Fourthly, the pews and benches which were formerly fwept but once in three years, I caus'd every Saturday to be fwept with a befom and

trimmed.

Fifthly

Fifthly and laftly, I caufed the furplice to be neatly darned, washed, and laid in fresh lavender, (yea, and fometimes to be fprinkled with rosewater) and I had great laud and praife from all the neighbouring Clergy, forafmuch as no parish kept the Minister in cleaner linnen.

Notwithstanding thefe his publick cares, in the eleventh chapter he informs us he did not neglect his ufual occupations as a handy-craftsman.

Shoes, faith he, did I make, (and, if intreated, mend) with good approbation. Faces alfo did I fhave, and I clipped the hair. Chirurgery alfo I practifed in the worming of Dogs; but to bleed adventured I not, except the poor. Upon this my twofold profeffion, there paffed among men a merry tale delectable enough to be rehearsed: How that being overtaken with liquor one Saturday evening, I fhav'd the Prieft with Spanish blacking for fhoes inftead of a washball, and with lampblack powdered his perriwig. But these were fayings of men, delighting in their own conceits more than in the truth. For it is well known, that great was my care and fkill in thefe my crafts; yea, I once had the honour of trimming Sir Thomas himself, without fetching blood. Furthermore, I was fought unto to geld the Lady Frances her spaniel, which was wont to go aftray: He was called Toby, that is to fay, Tobias. And 3dly, I was entrusted with a gorgeous pair of fhoes of the faid Lady, to fet an heel-piece thereon; and I received fuch praise therefore, that it was faid all over the parish, I fhould be recommended unto the King to mend fhoes for his Majefty: whom God preferve! Amen.