defertion, I went to prayer again; but my very heart and and flesh were like to faint. Such was the grief of my heart, that I could not speak a word to God, after I had begun, but groaned to the Lord: I got words again, but was interrupted the fame way, not being able to speak. I faw the mifimprovement of former help ftil to be the cause of the Lord's pleading with me; but having fo often confeffed it, being grieved for it, &c. I thought there behoved to be fomething elle; and fome other thing I fufpected, but could not fix on it. I thought I was most unworthy to be a preacher, and that it would be well done. to filence me, as ignorant of the mystery of Chrift: for, from the beginning of this exercife, it was always in my heart to preach Chrift, and denying of ourfelves to all things but Chrift; and though it fucceeded ill with me, I durit not change my purpofe. My foul being fomewhat encouraged by that word, Matth. xi. 28.." Come unto "me, all ye that labour," &c. I was helped to believe in fome measure, and converfed with God in prayer, and that word was brought to my mind for a text, Pfal. Ixxiii. 25. "Whom have I in heaven but thee?" &c. I had much difficulty in my ftudies on it. The word read in the ordinary at evening-exercife, came pat to my cafe with a check, Heb. xii. 5. "My fon, defpife not thou the cha "stening of the Lord," &c. My dejected frame of fpirit often recurred, and was with me on the Lord's day morning, June 4.; at which time, in prayer, the Lord put in his hand at the hole of the lock, and my bowels moved for him; my heart was touched, and in a mournful mood I cried to him. Some time after I found I could not be lieve; and how fhall I preach? thought I yet I thought I would venture, and lean on Chrift; and this I thought was faith, notwithstanding my former denial. In the forenoon, I thought my heart was very unwieldy. In the afternoon I had feveral ups and downs in the very time of the work. My foul bare me witnefs, that I was not fatiffied with ordinances without Chrift. And after all was over, in my retirement, I was clear, in that, though I many times fear I have never yet got a fufficient difcovery of Chrift, yet whatever difcovery I have had of him, I was fatisfied to take Chrift alone, and that I could not be fatisfied without him, though I had the whole world, yea heaven itself. The Lord gave me fuch a fight of my own vilenefs, that when I looked to myself in that pulpit, I loathed myfelf, as unworthy to have been there with fuch a whole heart, and without right uptakings of Chrift. I examined myself on my defire of Chrift, faying, What if it be merely from an enlightened confcience? but my foul faid, it would defire him, though there were no fear of wrath ; and though (per impoffibile) I had a difpenfation for my moft beloved lufts, I would not defire to make use of it. I thought I loved him for himself. I preached this day in Langton; and after the evening-exercife Mr Dyfert faid to me, You would have done better to have gone to the weit, befide Mr Murray, for there you would have got a kirk. My proud heart took this ill, and I had a fecret diffatisfaction with my own lot, in that I was not fettled. Reflecting upon this in fecret, I obferved, how in three things, fince I came to this country, Satan has overcome me, even in those things that I preached against. Preaching at Dunfe, I preached againft immoderate fleep as a great wafter of time; and quickly after I fell into this. 2. Laft Thursday I preached, that unwatchfulness was the caufe why it is not with God's people as in times paft; and the very fame night my heart fell a roving. 3. At this evening-exercife I lectured on Heb. xiii. and particularly that word, "Be content with fuch things as ye have;" and inmediately after this, diffatisfaction seized me, for which my heart abhors my heart. Wherefore being convinced of my danger, I refolved, in the Lord's strength, from henceforth to make my fermons the fubject of my Sabbath-night's meditation, and fo to improve them for myfelf. The fermon I found was not loft as to fome others. f. I was alfo extremely hard put to it the week following, after my return from Coldingham, infomuch that having attempted to ftudy Cant. i. 3. I was obliged to give it over, and fall on Luke xiii. 24. By this means preaching became, in a fort, a terror to me; fo that on the 14th I quite declined preaching the week-day's fermon for Mr Colden. The reafon of which being atked by Mr Balfour above mentioned, as he and I were walking alone by the way; I freely told him, that preaching was become another kind of a talk to me, than fometime it had been; that I was difcouraged, through the ftraitening I found as to the preaching of Chrift, arguing my ignorance of Chrift the which ignorance of Chrift, in the very time I was fpeaking this, was moft grievous to my foul; to that : degree, degree, that my very body was affected, and my legs began to tremble beneath me. He faid, it was an eager temptation, to drive me off from preaching of Christ. Parting with him, I came home very forrowful, yet looking upward, feeing the emptinefs of all things befides Chrift, or without him. The Lord was pleated to lay bands on my unftable heart, till I got my cafe fhewed betore him and he let me fee my need of Chrift, and I began to apply the word, Matth. v. 3. "Bleffed are the poor "in fpirit." The Lord fhewed me the vanity of health; wealth, &c. and made my foul to prefer Chrift to them all; and indeed I contemned all things in comparison of him, yea even heaven itself. I fung with my heart Pfal. xI. 11. and downwards, and in prayer pleaded the promife with fome confidence; being refolute for Christ, and that no other thing fhould ever fatisfy me. On the morrow, the Lord helped me to apply the promise, If. lvii. 15. cited by Mr Colden in his fermon: the very reading of the words, "to revive the heart of the humble," was reviving to my foul, which faw its own emptinefs. That ftraitening aforefaid fometime feemed to me to fay, that for all the motion made for my fettlement in my native country, I behoved rot to think of fettling in it, where I was thus hardly beftead as to the preaching the word. But the iffue of this exercife was, that I was made lefs concerned, how I might be difpofed of as to my fettlement; not caring what place I fhould go to, fo that I got Chrift: and my foul faid to him, "Set me as a feal on thine heart, "as a feal on thine arm!" On the 18th, preaching at Berwick, my fubject was, a discovery of Chrift made to the foul; and in the ftudy of it I was not ftraitened: but in the delivery of it I was fo deferted, that in my retirement after, I had moft heavy thoughts of my unworthinefs, and unfitness for the great work of preaching Chrift. In like manner, after the communion at Coldingham, where I preached on Saturday, and Sabbath afternoon without; I was preffed with a fenfe of my infufficiency for that work, that heaven was very defirable to me withal I was but little edified with one of the fermons I heard on the Monday, there appearing too little of Chrift in it. Thus it pleafed the Lord to humble me to the duft, and to empty me of myfelf, with refpect to the great mystery of Chrift; and to give my heart a particular fet and caft 1 2 towards towards it, which hath continued with me to this day 3 and fhall, I hope, to the end, that I get within the vail. I had on the 15th received a letter, fhewing, that, on the day appointed, the votes had been gathered at Dollar; and that, about three of the malignant party and three of the elders being excepted, they were all with one voice for me to be their minifter; but that, notwithstanding, the prefbytery had ftill fome dependence on Argyle in the matter. This account of the ftate of that affair, as being yet undetermined, was ftraitening to me; inafmuch as it obliged me to continue a while longer in the Merfe, which I could not well do. June 22. Having been for fome time in great deadnefs, this morning I had a kind of impulfe to pray, with a willingnefs in my foul to go to duty; and having found by feveral fad experiences the danger of delays, with all fpeed I embraced the motion; and the Lord revived me, in fo far that my heart and fleth longed for the living God, and cried out for him as the dry parched ground for rain. The Lord loofed my bands: and though I ftudied the fermon I preached this day, being the weekly fermon at Dunfe, in very bad cafe; yet he was with me in preaching it, and the Spirit did blow on my foul, both in public, and in fecret thereafter; fo that my heart loves Chrift. On the morrow my frame lafted, and being to go to the facrament at Coldingham, I law my hazard from my malicious enemy, that he would be fair to affault me before fuch an occafion. I thought I endeavoured to commit my heart to the Lord. Put, alas! that which i feared came upon me; which brought me to a fad pafs: my confidence in prayer was marred; my guilt ftuck close to me, and coft me much ftruggling by the way as I went to Coldingham, fo that I will not forget the pitiful cafe I was in while going through the whinny moor. I made ufe of and endeavoured to apply that word, "I, even I "am he that blotteth out thy tranfgreffions," &c. which did fomewhat stay my foul. I went halting all the day; but at evening-exercife, to which I went with a deep fenfe of my unworthiness, the Lord loofed all my bands. But another tharp trial followed, a great fear that Satan might as before give me another bruife. I went to God with it, prayed for a word of promife to grip to for fecurity; and when I arofe from my knees, that word, If. xxvi. 3. "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace," &c. came to me with fome fome life and fupport to my foul, and was afterwards fweetly made out to me. July 2. Preaching in a certain place, after fupper themiftrefs of the houfe told me, that I had put not only thofe that never knew any thing of God in the mist, but even terrified such as had known him. This was by my doctrine of coming out of felf-love, felf-righteoufnefs, felf-ends, privileges, duties, &c. She reftrained hypocrites to that fort that do all things to be feen of men; thought it ftrange for people to think of meriting any thing at the hand of God, or that hypocrites would cruth inward evil thoughts; and harped much on that, How can it be that one can be a hypocrite, and yet hate hypocrify in others; that one could be a hypocrite, and not know himfelf to be a hypocrite? I have been preaching much this long time to drive people out of themselves to Chrift, and this let me fee the need of fuch doctrine. In the beginning of that month, no word being come from the prefbytery of Stirling, I had laid my plot to remove; and firit to go to that country upon buinefs, and then to Galloway. Mean while the prefbytery, who met at Churnside on the 4th, had defired me to preach at Simprin the following Lord's day; to which I confented, being to continue in the country till the Sabbath was over, and no where else engaged. July 6. Yesterday and this morning there was in my heart a great averfenefs to duty. I heard Mr Colden's weekly fermon, and got feveral checks and rebukes from it. The pfalm we fung held my fin before my eyes. After dinner I began feriously to reflect on my cafe. I dragged myself to prayer, but it was a ftrange exercife to me. Many fad halts I made in it. I faw my dreadful departings from the Lord, fo that I durit fcarcely feek any thing of God, and not but with great difficulty feek a crumb of mercy, or that the Lord would take away this averfeness from duty. I remember I was going to feck one drop of Chrift's blood for my miferable foul, but with horror of mind, and a fhivering of my very body, I durft not ask it. I thought I would have been content to have been revenged on myself, and to have put a penknife into my heart. I laid myself down before the Lord, defiring him to do with me what he pleafed, though it were to make me a monument of his indignation. Afterward I fat and walked like one out of his wits, took up the Bible to read, and |