cloud's coming over it, till I thought I fhould quite have given it over. At that juncture of time, a word was given me to fpeak, and the grofs darknefs was difpelled;" and this continued till the end. In the afternoon I had fome help from the Lord, which I had now learned to prize. As I was going to the afternoon's fermon, I thought the people in that place efteemed me too much, and took that as a part of the caufe of this defertion. When I came out to my lodgings, one fays to me, You need not fhùn to come to Airth, you are fo well helped to preach there. When, faid I, was I fo helped? Anf. In the forenoon, (for the speaker was not present in the afternoon.) The reft faid, it was a fatisfying day's work to the fouls of many. This was aftonifhing. The fame thing I heard of it, next day, from another godly woman. The caufes of this defertion 1 afterwards inquired into ; and found, 1. There was fomething of that former quarrel, because of self-seeking in the particular above faid; 2. my fleeping too long in the morning; 3. the people of Airth's esteem of me, as noticed above, or to keep me humble; 4. that the Lord might let me fee, it is not by might nor by power, but by his own Spirit, that fouls are edified; 5. to learn me to be thankful for a little. Several years after this, meeting with the minifter of Airth at the affembly, he told me, that by conference with fome of his parish before the adminiftration of the facrament, he found feveral perfons there own me as the inftrument that the Lord made ufe of to do good to their fouls.

There was at that time, for the encouragement of probationers preaching in vacancies in that country, on the north fide of Forth, a legal allowance of 18 merks a-fabbath, as in the north; the which fell to me in Clackmannan, and I fuppofe alfo in Dollar. I had been appointed to preach at Clackmannan on the 8th of January, but was called to go to Airth that day, exchanging my poft with another probationer who could not go thither. On that occafion I received a compliment of two dollars at Airth, being the first money I got in that country.

The affair of Dollar was now in agitation. And coming up to the prefbytery, Feb. 1. I found an elder of that parifh there, who, it would feem, had been moving for their .proceeding to a call, without having his commiffion in writing; which was appointed to be feen to, in the cafe of any that should come to the next prefbytery from thence.

thence. In a private conference I had with him at his defire, he thewed me, that Argyle, their fuperior, had fignified his willingness to concur in a call to any whom the parish and prefbytery fhould agree on, and that the call was defigned for me: but withal, that eight or ten of their parish had fubfcribed and fent to Argyle, a paper, bearing their diflike of me : that one John Burn was reckoned an enemy to my fettlement there, yet would not fign it, in regard, he faid, I was a fervant of God. I learned afterwards, that one of the fubfcribers wifhed he had quit a joint of his finger, or the like, rather than he had fubfcribed that paper; as alfo, that Mr Forrefter had given the forefaid elder but a very indifferent character of me, faying, that now they were going to call a new upftart, one that broke the thetes. This character from that good man was affecting to me; confidering that going under fuch a character, I was fo unholy, my corruption prevailed fo much over me, and that I was really weak in comparifon of others, who took a more fmooth way than I durft take in my public performances: and fo it convinced me of my need to live more near God.

Being to preach, Feb. 5. at Alloa, on Zech. xiii. ult. I was fomewhat thaken in my mind about my call to preach it; the doctrine thereon being almoft only for exercifed fouls: but going to family-duty, which the landlord performed, he fung Pfal. cxi. by which, efpecially ver. 2. 4. I was cleared in this point, inftructed, and comforted; and was alfo cleared fomewhat by the chapter read. But that which did fully confirm me, was a word brought to me by the way, When thou art converted, ftrengthen thy bre"thren." So that I was affured I was called to preach that doctrine there. That word forefaid was very applicable to my cafe: for on the Thurfday before I had a very sharp exercife, and a fad ftruggle. The matter was this.

Awakening a long time ere day-light, I found my dream had been finful, At first I was rather amazed than truly affected with it, being overwhelmed with fleepinefs. I thought to lie waking, and think on it fometimes, and fometimes I thought to pray in my bed: but while thus minded, the temptation i had while afleep, fet on me when awake; and fleep prevailed fo, that I had almost given myfelf up to it and while I was thus flumbering, I faid twice or thrice within myself, with a terror from God

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on my foul, What if I be damned before I awake? After this, my foul was under fo great terror from the Lord, that my very heart began to fail; and I wanted not thoughts of expiring just there where I was. Yet I caft up ejaculations to the Lord, put on my cloaths, and lighted a candle, groaning under the fenfe of guilt. While I walked up and down, that word, 1 John i. 7. "The "blood of Jefus Chrift cleanseth from all fin," came into my mind, and did fomewhat fasten my finking foul I then went to prayer, confeffed, and poured out my foul before him, and that with fome confidence of mercy. Then I feared that confidence was not well got, and was afraid God fhould give me up to hardness of heart, which plague I feared as death, and cried that the Lord would not plague me with that, which was terrible as hell to my foul. I made ufe of that promife, Prov. xxviii. 13. "He "that confeffeth and forfaketh, fhall find mercy," and gripped it as fpoke by the God of truth. But my foul began again to fink and defpond. I wrestled against it; cried to the Lord, that he would not be terrible to me, &c. till I got up again fomewhat. When I arofe from my knees, I walked up and down with ejaculations, striving to grip to that forefaid promife, and I thought it was faith whereby I did fo. I made much ufe of that promise, thought it was God's word, and that God would not deny his own word. The caufes of the Lord's leaving me I found to be, 1. My coldrife prayers the preceding night; 2. Some guilt the day before not yet mourned over, viz. a blafphemous thought that went through my foul at the bleffing before the exercife. 3. I was even thinking laft night while a-bed, what victory I had got over, that which fo overtook me ; fo that it feems I was too fecure. The effects of this tragedy were, that i faw my own vilenefs, and felt what it was to be near giving over hope: but thanks be to God that giveth me the victory through the Lord Jefus Chrift. I love the Lord, my foul loves him for his wonderful mercy towards me, fupporting me, hearing my prayers, and helping me to grip a promise. But how will get through the world? Happy are they that are in heaven. I made much ufe, in that fad hour, of the covenant, namely, my engaging with him at Culrofs, Tuiliallan, and under the tree in Kennet orchard. After this the language of my foul was, "My feet had al"moft flipt, but thy mercy held me up ;" while I propo

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fed the question again to my foul, How will I get through the world? and that word came, Cant. viii. 5. "I raised "thee up under the apple-tree;" and that, Pfal. xxii. 8. "He trusted in the Lord, that he would deliver him;" and I fang Pfal. lxxiii. 21. to the end, but with a weak body. That word was fweet to me, "Go thy way, thy "faith hath made thee whole." Satan fet again on me with the fame; but I cried to the Lord, and he fled. When I went in to the morning-exercise, (which the landlord always performed), he gave out Pfal. cxxxviii. 6. which was very confirming to my foul, efpecially ver. 8.: it answered my queftion forefaid. He read 2 Cor. vii. whereby I was inftructed, comforted, and edified, fo as I faw a fpecial hand of God in his reading that chapter, and finging that pfalm. When I came away, thefe,words were to me fweeter than honey. I could have put the Bible in my heart, and was helped to believe, &c.

On the 13th, arifing from prayer in a dead frame, and having endeavoured to defcend into myfelf, I thought I faw my heart like a clear pool. I thought I knew there were many things there to humble me, but I could not at all fee them. At laft I remembered my mifcarriage this day, in not giving teftimony against one profaning the name of Chrift by a vain obfecration. Whereupon going to prayer, and reading the Lord's word, I recovered my frame. I remember, on this occafion, that being in company with Brea, a gentlemen faid to him, For God's fake do fo and fo; and he replied, Nay, I will do it for your fake. The day before I preached in Airth, and reflecting on the last time I was there, that word came, "He will not chide con"tinually," &c. and was fweetly verified in my after experience.

On the 19th I preached at Dollar, where, on the Saturday's night, it was fhewn me, that fome there had little liking of me, because of my fevere preaching; and James Kirk, an elder, told me of Paul's catching men with guile; fignifying, that fome of the heritors, when defired to fubfcribe a commiflion as aforefaid, faid they would hear me again before they did it; and therefore he wifhed they might not be angered any more, for that the elders had enough ado with them already. I told him my refolution to fpeak what God fhould give me, without feud or favour; and could not but obferve that special Providence, which, after this conference, ordered our

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finging at family-worship the two laft verfes of Pfal. xxvii. and our reading Matth. x. where, in this cafe, I was inftructed, forewarned, and comforted. But thereafter I was baited with a temptation to fainting in the matter, and my courage damped. And here lay my fnare, that, being at this time in fear of a miffion to the north, which I had a great averfion to, I was afraid the people of Dollar might be quite fcared at my freedom in delivering the word, and fo that miflion might take place. This was a heavy exercise to me that night. I prayed, read, meditated, struggled, urged my heart with thefe fcriptures, Matth. x. 39. Prov. xxviii. 21. Acts xvii. 26. hard pur to it, but ftill in hope the Lord would not leave me to "tranfgrefs for a piece of bread." But as I was putting off my cloaths for bed, my text I was to preach on came into my mind, John i. 11. "He came unto his own, and "his own received him not." This enlivened my heart with zeal and courage to speak without fparing in his cause. But next morning the temptation was renewed ; and I had never feen my own weakness in that point fo much as I faw it then. Nevertheless I was ftill in hope, that God would not fuffer me to yield, but would help to fpeak freely the word he should give me. After all this, as I was going down to the kirk, John Blackwood, another good man, and an elder, put me in mind, to be fure to hold off from reflections as far as I could; for the which I reprimanded him. In the iffue the Lord gave me freedom to preach his word, whatever was to become of me; and my foul found caufe to blefs the Lord, that that temptation had not prevailed to render me unfaithful in his work.

That Sabbath-night I catched cold in my head while I fat at family-worthip, by an open window, which I apprehend I had not obferved. It iffued in a fuppuration in my left ear, and was for many days a grievous trouble to me. On the Saturday's night after, my pain being very violent, I had a weary night of it; but being to preach in Clackmannan, ventured in the morning to caufe ring the bell, the pain being fomewhat affuaged, and finding it would be a grievous affliction to me to have a filent Sabbath, the Lord's word being the joy and rejoicing of my heart. In the iffue I felt no pain in preaching, but was ftrengthened both in body and fpirit for my work. But I had a weary night of it again.

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