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an appointment on me to go to the north; and, on the 27th, came to my hand the commiffion's letter, requiring me forthwith to go to Angus and Mearns. On the morrow I went to the prefbytery, where Mr John Forrefter, one of the minifters of Stirling, keenly urged my going to the north: but I told them I could not go, in refpect of the ftate of my health; and they did not fo much as recommend it to me to go. By this I judged, that Providence did not call me to that removal, and the rather that the motion had been made about a call to Dollar. Howbeit, the going to the north was, for a long time after, a fore exercife to me at times, as will be obferved afterwards. That fame day, the faft of Jan. 4. 1699, being appointed, the land ftill groaning under dearth and scarcity, year after year, the faid Mr Forrester moved, that it should be recommended to the brethren to deal prudently in their preaching with refpect to the causes of the fast, and hinted at fome affecting fingularity, which I knew very well to be directed against me; but fince he named me not, I faid nothing on the head. That month alfo it was observed, that one Alard Fithie in Powfide of Clackmannan, who being enraged with my fermons at Clackmannan, Sept. 11. was wont to go out of the parifh after, when I preached in it, was then broken, and obliged to leave the parish, it not being known whither he had fled.

On the 29th, I found that my friend Katharine Brown, who fome time before had given a favourable answer to my propofal, had afterwards been much troubled about it, that it was not enough deliberate. Had I taken that way in my own cafe, which I ought to have done as aforefaid, it is likely I would have put her on the fame method, whereby this might have been prevented. But one error in conduct makes way for another.

For about fourteen months after this I kept a large diary, moved thereto by converse with Mr Mair. In that time I filled up the book I had then begun, and a whole fecond book, though I wrote in fhort-hand characters, till July 7. 1699. Several of the paffages of that time are from thence tranfcribed into this account of my life.

Jan. 1. 1699, I had more than an ordinary measure of God's prefence and help in preaching. In the morning in fecret I was earneft with God for it, but had a temptation

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to think that God would leave me, which did perplex me fore. When I was coming home from the fermons, Satan fell to afresh again, the contrary way, tempting me to pride. It came three times remarkably on me, and was as often repelled by that word, "What haft thou that "thou haft not received ?"

During the remaining time that I continued at Ferrytown, wrote a foliloquy on the art of man-fishing, which was never finished, but is in retentis *. The occafion thereof was this, Jan. 6. 1699, reading in fecret, my heart was touched with Matth. iv. 19. "Follow me, and I "will make you fifhers of men." My foul cried out for accomplishing of that to me, and I was very defirous to know how I might follow Chrift, fo as to become a fisher of men; and for my own inftruction in that point, I addreffed myself to the confideration of it in that manner. And indeed it was much on my heart in these days, not to preach the wisdom of mine own heart, or produce of my own gifts; but to depend on the Lord for light, that I might, if I could have reached it, been able to fay of every word, "Thus faith the Lord." That fcribble + gives an idea of the then temper of my spirit, and the trying circumftances I then found myself in, being every where feared at by fome.

Jan. 21. When I arofe this morning, I began to look for fomething to meditate on, and that word came, Jer. xxxi. 3. have loved thec with an everlasting love; "therefore with loving-kindnefs have I drawn thee." My foul grafped at it; I meditated on it with a heart fomewhat elevated; yet I faw much unbelief in my heart, which was my burden. I thought I loved Chrift; and then that word, 1 John iv. 19. "We love him, because "he first loved us," came. I faw love began on Chrift's fide; yet I could not but with doubting affent to the conclufion, that God loved me. I went to prayer, poured out my foul, lamenting over my unbelief, which did then eminently appear and fhew itself to me. I was called thereafter to breakfast, but that word, Jer. xxxi. 3. ftuck with me, and yet does; it is fweet as the honey-comb.

This foliloquy was published in 1773, being prefixed to a collection of the author's fermons, intitled, The diftinguifking characters of true belevers, &c. + So the author modeftly calls this foliloquy, though, fince its publication, it has been univerfally admired, and confidered as a masterpiece of the kind.

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When I was at prayer, I thought the Lord explained that word to me; "Therefore with loving-kindnefs have I "drawn thee," that God's drawing me to himself by the gospel in a loving way, was an evidence and token of his everlasting love. While i meditated on my fermon, that word, Pfal. cii. 16. "When the Lord fhall build up "Zion, he shall appear in his glory," came again to me, (for at this time it was much on my heart). I thought on it. My foul was deeply affected under the fenfe of Chrift's withdrawing from ordinances, and my heart groaned under the fenfe of his abfence. My foul longed for the day that the house fhould be built, and the rubbish taken away. It fent me to prayer. I began to this purpose, Why haft thou forfaken thine own houfe? and it was prefently fuggefted to me, that Chrift doth as a man that hath his houfe a-building; he comes now and then and fees it, but does not stay, and will not come to dwell in it till it be built up. My heart and foul cried vehemently to the Lord for his return, and the grief of my heart often made my speech to fail. I cried to the Lord as the great Watchman, "What of the night?" this fad night, when the fun goes down at noon-day? I was once going to fay, Lord, what need I preach? but I durft not bring it out; fo I was filent for a time. My foul defired, that either he would come to me in ordinances, or take me to him in heaven, if it were his will. When I arofe from prayer, I could get nothing but still that word, Pfal. cii. 16. Lord, haften the day then. When I went to bed this night, that word came into my mind: "Whom "fhall I fend? Send me." I thought on going to the north, and was content to go any way, north, fouth, or where-ever. My heart began to wander (I think, falling afleep); and I faid in my heart the words of a curfe against myself ufed by rude ungodly people, "If," &c. They came like a flash of lightning, and immediately made my very heart to leap for dread. This, I faw, was one of Satan's fiery darts. To-morrow morning, being the Lord's day, I found my heart dull; I endeavoured to apply that word, Hof. xiv. 5. "I will be as the dew unto "Ifrael;" and was fomewhat revived. But in prayer thereafter he covered himself with a cloud. I cried, that if there were any accurfed ftuff I knew not of, he would difcover it to me; and I had a fad profpect of this day's work. I would have been content of a fick-bed, rather

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than to be carried hence without his prefence to the pulpit. Intending to read, I prayed for a word that might revive me; and reading in my ordinary, Matth. xvi. my heart moved and leapt, I thought, within me, when I read ver. 8. "O ye of little faith, why reafon ye among your"felves, because ye have brought no bread ?" I took it to myself; I faw it was my unbelief, and that I behoved to depend on God, laying all the ftrefs on him. Afterward I got that word, "When I fent you out, lacked ye

any thing?" I poured out my foul when in the manfe, and fuffered the bell to toll long: and when I was going out, and heard it tolling, I thought, it was now tolling for me to come to preach, may-be ere the next Sabbath it may toll for me to the grave. This was ufeful. The Lord was fweetly and powerfully with me through the day. After the lecture we fung part of Pfal. li. the last line of it, at which I ftood up, was, "With thy free sp'rit me "ftay :" I ftood up with courage, for I thought the Spirit of God was my stay; and in the night when I awoke, I was ftill with God.

On the 23d, reading in fecret Matth. xix. and coming to ver. 29. " And every one that hath forfaken houses," &c. I found my heart could give no credit to it. I would fain have believed it, but really could not. I meditated a while on it, with ejaculations to the Lord, till in fome measure I overcame. I then went to prayer, where the Lord gave me to see much of my own vilenefs, and particularly that evil and plague of my heart. I bleffed the Lord for fealing ordinances, for then I faw the need of them to confirm faith.

On the 24th came to me one of the elders of Carnock, and fhewed me a letter they had from the Countess of Kincardine, defiring them to go to the prefbytery of Stirling, to get me to preach two or three days with them; and if they and I fhould be both pleased, she would concur in a call, and Sir Patrick Murray would join with her. But by means, I think, of a fifter of my friend's living in their neighbourhood, I had been ftrongly impreffed with a very hard notion of that parifh, as a felf-conceited people, among whom I would have no fuccefs: and tho' I durft not forbid them to proceed, yet I told plainly, that I found my heart was not with them, thinking myself obliged, in justice to them, to declare the matter as it really was. Thus I ftood in my own way with refpect to that pa

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rish but Providence had defigned far better for them, the worthy Mr James Hog being thereafter fettled there, where he continues to this day, [1730.], faithfully declaring the gospel of God. And there fell to my lot, feve ral years after, a people fully as conceited of themfelves as thofe of Carnock could be.

On the 27th, I wanted to be determined what to preach, even after I had prayed to the Lord for his help; I prayed again, but was nothing cleared; and fo was much cast down. I thought of praying again; but, alas! thought I, what need I go to prayer? for I can get no light. I urged my foul to believe, and hope against hope; but I found I could not believe. Thus was my foul troubled. Sometimes I ftood, fometimes fat, and fometimes walked : at length I went to my knees; and fo I fat a while, but not speaking one word. At length I broke out with that, "How long, O Lord ?"—and, paufing a while again, I cried to the Lord to fhew me why he contended with me. Whereupon conscience spake plain language to me, and told me my fault of felf-feeking in fpeaking to a man yefterday, and writing to my brother; for which I defired to humble myself before the Lord. In the iffue I was determined what to preach. I had many ups and downs that day. This fermon was for Airth; and on the morrow, when I was going there, I obferved how I was two feveral times kept back by ftorm of weather from that place, and how these two last times I have, in my ftudies for it, been plunged deeply; which made me wonder what might be the matter. But the ftorm was not yet over: for though the Saturday's night was a good time to my foul, and I think I will scarce ever forget the relish the 21ft chapter of John, especially that word, "Children, have ye any

meat?" had on my foul, being the ordinary in the family-exercife; yet to-morrow morning I was indifposed both in body and fpirit. I thought I lay a-bed too long in the morning, and that gave me the firft wound. The fweet word aforefaid I did reflect on; but now the fap was gone out of it, as to poor me. The public work was heavy. I had much ado to drive out the glafs with the lecture and fo confounded and deferted was I, that I could not fing the pfalm with my very voice. I could fcarcely pray at all. I had neither light nor life in the firft part of the fermon; the little light I had in it went away by degrees, as ever the light of the fun did by a

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