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shall take precedence. Imprimis-All prime ministers having past the rubicon of sixty, figuring as the hero of a crim. con. All ministers for foreign affairs, adding protocols to embassies in the shape of young gentlemen who are never to be found in the seat of legation; but after a three weeks' residence in any foreign city, spawn a statistical work on the country, filled with errors, platitudes, and loose writing, and abounding in the ludere cum sacris of would-be witticism-in short, an androginal abortion, combining all the coarseness of the one sex, with all the weakness of the other. All surgeons knowing no more of anatomy than was surmised by Aristotle. All physicians prescribing lau medicinal for the gout; or applying a stethoscope, when called in to attend a complaint in the heart, which, from the throb of the patient's pulse, they ought to know was à love fever. All attorneys compromising their clients' interests by an amiable candour towards the opposite party, which could only be admirable and admissible in a young lady of fifteen. All umpires whose eyes are in their ears, and who consequently detect no more in a case than what they hear from an interested party. All staff officers, who having arrived at "that uncertain thing which certain people call a certain age,” conceive the whole duties of their situation to be fulfilled when they have effectually succeeded in representing a centaur by dove-tailing themselves to their saddles and perading through the streets from morning till night. All editors of liberal papers who imagine (however republican the tone of their political articles may be) the community at large can believe either in the independence of their principles, or the uncompromising integrity of their opinions; when they turn to the evidently dining-out style, and lord-and-ladycivility-inspired tone of their reviews of certain books. All husbands who suppose that their wives, like Indian grass, will become the sweeter the more they are trampled upon. All fathers who are continually annoying and disobeying their sons, solely from their ignorance, in not knowing that twenty has more wants, and consequently requires more money, than sixty. All gentlemen who, after fifty, go a step beyond Narcissus, and, not content with being enamoured of themselves, fancy that every one else is so too. All electors, who continue to enact Shacabac, to the Barmecide* feast of reform, set before them at every succeeding election by their representatives. All men, who anticipate their conjugal authority, like Alnaschar; but every one may not remember the story, so I will transcribe the part to which I allude, in the hope of preventing some worthy individuals from undertaking a voyage to Lilliput. Mark how the would be husband soliloquises.
“ When I am with my wife in the evening, I will sit on the upper hand. I will affect a grave air, without turning my head to one side or the other. I will speak, little; and while my wife, as beautiful as the full moon, stands before me in all her ornaments, I will make as if I did not see her.
“Her women about her will say to me," "Our dear lord and master, here is your spouse, your humble servant before you. She expects that you would caress her, and is very much mortified that you do not so much as vouchsafe to look upon her. She is wearied with standing so long; bid her sit down.'
So I will give no answer to this discourse, which will increase their surprising grief; they will lay themselves at my feet; and after they have done so a considerable time, begging me to relent, I will at last lift up my head and give her a careless look; afterwards I will return to my former posture; then will they think that my wife is not well enough, nor handsome enough dressed, and they will carry her to her closet, and change her apparel. At the same time I will get up and put on a more magnificent suit than before. They will return and hold the same discourse with me as before; and I will never have the pleasure not 80 much as to look upon my wife, till they have prayed and entreated so long as they did at first. Thus I will begin on the first day of my marriage to teach her what she is to expect during the rest of her life. * * * * * *
“She will certainly complain of my contempt of her, and of my pride, to her mother, the grand vizier's wife, which will rejoice me at the heart. Her mother will come to wait upon me respectfully, kiss my hands,
* Vide the Arabian Nights, where Schacabac goes to dine with the Barmecide, who keeps pressing him to eat the most delicious dishes, naming them one after the other, all the while not producing a single morse of any sort of food; so that poor Schacabac is well nigh like to die of hunger his appetite being duly whetted at the mention of so many good things,
and say to me, 'Sir,' (for she will not dare to call me son-in-law, for fear of provoking me by such a familiar style,) 'I pray you not to disdain my daughter. I assure you her chief business is to please you, and that she loves you with all her heart."
“But my mother-in-law had as good hold her peace. I will not answer her one word. * * * Upon which my mother-in-law will take a glass of wine, and putting it into the hand of her daughter, my wife, will say, 'Go, present him this glass of wine yourself; perhaps he will not be so cruel as to refuse it from so fair a hand.
“My wife will come with the glass, and stard trembling before me; and when she finds that I do not even look towards her that I continue to disdain her, she will say to me with tears in her eyes, 'My heart, my dear soul, my amiable lord! I conjure you, by the favours heaven bestows upon you, to receive this glass of wine from the hand of your most humble servant? But I will not look upon her still, nor answer her.
“My charming spouse,' she will say, redoubling her tears, and putting the glass to my mouth, ‘I will never leave off till I prevail with you to drink.' .66 Then, being fatigued with her entreaties, I will dart a terrible look at her, give her a good box on the cheek, and give her such a push with my foot, as will throw her quite off the alcove.
“My brother was so full of these chimerical vis. ions, that he acted with his foot as if his wife had really been before him, and, by misfortune, he gave such à push at his basket of glasses, that they were thrown down and broken into a thousand pieces." (Arabian Nights, page 115.)
Now, the absurdity of Alnaschar's conduct is obvious, inasmuch as that glasses are more frail even than wives; and having, in reality, no wife to vent his just(!) indignation upon, he could not_(seeing that there are or were no hells in Bagdad-for there is no knowing how the march of intellect may put even the Turks upon their metal)-he could not, I say, like Major Long-bow, when his better-half was reduced to a heap of ashes by a coup de soleil-ring the bell, “with infinite promptitude," and desire the servant to “bring clean glasses, and sweep his mistress away."
Now, with regard to the female old ladies, I should say the following fully deserve to come within the Suppression Bill namely:--All old women thinking it impossible that any one can possibly be a judge of their own affairs, and of what wholly and solely con, cerns themselves, thereby, upon all occasions, inundating their acquaintance with gratuitous advice. All old women complaining of the extravagance of the dress of young women of the present day, forgetting that the window-curtain-looking muslins of their day were far more expensive than the satin and velvet of the present. All old ladies cumbering their sons' estates with fat jointures, and volunteering to accuse the aforesaid sons of folly or conceit, if they venture to make any improvements or alterations in their own house or lands, by the sapient assertion, “It was good enough for your father, therefore I think it might be good enough for you.” All old women who think that if, like the ostrich, they hide their own heads, no one can see them-alias, that every one must believe the hollow professions of their words, however their actions may belie them. All old women who religiously believe that no man is good enough to be their daughter's husband, and no woman is within a thousand degrees good enough to be their son's wife, however brutal, profligate, or mediocre that son may be, All old women labouring under the mistake that age and wisdom are synonymous; in short, all old women who think that none but themselves know how to live, because they have evidently forgotten how to die.
INDISCRIMINATES All old women, of either sex, detected in the act of reading Shenstone, or crying over the “Sorrows of Werter.” All violent laudator temporis acti, who must, consequently, neglect to read, with due attention, the History of England, or to remember the domestic annals of their own progenitors. All persons thinking that a child's parents must be its best friends, solely because they ought to be so.
But to particularise all the old women that ought to be suppressed, I should have to pluck a quill from the wing of time, and write the list on the tablets of eter, nity, therefore I have confined myself to pointing out a sew of the most flagrant and urgent cases; I do so without fear, being, I thank my stars,
" Procul à Jove, procul à fulmine ;"' both my grandmothers being defunct these twenty years; having no longer before my eyes the fear of Don or Proctor, consequently having no fellow feeling to “cow me into quietness ;" my wife being unequivocally young, as she still wants four months of three-and-twenty; and, above all, I myself holding no office under the present administration. What then have I to fear from old women, collectively or individually? Nothing.
With you, my lords and gentlemen, I am aware that it is otherwise. Upon the framing of such a Bill as I propose, no doubt all the suppressed will be ready to exclaim
" Such a display of municipal power
Has not been since Burdett was sent to the Tower."* But what of this? It is not, my lords and gentlemen, that you love old women less, but that you love Eng. land more! Let me then hope, as a sincere patriot, ready, for the good of my country, to take a Curtius leap into the gulf of all the old ladies in the United Kingdoms, or, like Regulus, have my lidless eyes exposed to the meridian sun of the antique charms of all the old ladies of the female sex,--that your very first act in the ensuing session will be the framing of the Old Woman Suppression Bill, and your petitioner will ever pray that Time may long suspend his Habeas Corpus Aet with regard to your august persons.
PRODICUS. “Well I'm sure," said the dowager, when Saville had finished reading, “it's prodigious nonsense ; quite impossible to make out what it's about.“
"I wonder who on earth wrote it! It's devilish im pertinent," said Herbert" hang me if I don't think there's a cut at my pamphlet in it."
“The only fault I find with it,” interposed Mrs. Seymour, “is its impracticability."
“Nil desperandum 19 cried Saville, “for now that we have a young Queen, it is to be hoped old women will get out of fashion, and in England that, you know, is almost synonymous with non-existence.”
6 Vaustly rude, silly young man, my dear,” whis. pered the dowager to Herbert, and then added aloud, To be so good as to ring the bell."
. Vide the Didactic poem of Punch and Judy.