161

TO MR. PYE*

On his Carmen Seculare (a title which has by various persons who have heard it, been thus translated, "A Poem an age long").

Your Poem must eternal be,
Eternal! it can't fail,

For 'tis incomprehensible,

And without head or tail! †

* Morning Post, Jan. 24, 1800.

"The following anecdote will not be wholly out of place here, and may perhaps amuse the reader. An amateur performer in verse expressed to a common friend, a strong desire to be introduced to me, but hesitated in accepting my friend's immediate offer, on the score that "he was, he must acknowledge, the author of a confounded severe epigram on my Ancient Mariner, which had given me great pain. I assured my friend that if the epigram was a good one, it would only increase my desire to become acquainted with the author, and begged to hear it recited: when, to my no less surprise than amusement, it proved to be one which I had myself some time before written and inserted in the Morning Post.

To the author of the Ancient Mariner.

Your poem must eternal be,

Dear sir! it cannot fail,
For 'tis incomprehensible

And without head or tail."

-Biographia Literaria, Lond. 1817, vol. i. p. 28. It would seem, however, from the above that it was an afterthought on the author's part to apply this epigram to himself and his Ancient Mariner.-ED.

162

EPIGRAMS.*

I.

WOULD the Baptist come again

And preach aloud with might and main
Repentance to our viperous race!
But should this miracle take place,
I hope, ere Irish ground he treads,
He'll lay in a good stock of heads!

I

II.

OCCASIONED BY THE FORMER.

HOLD of all our viperous race

The greedy creeping things in place
Most vile, most venomous; and then
The United Irishmen !

To come on earth should John determine,
Imprimis, we'll excuse his sermon.
Without a word the good old Dervis
Might work incalculable service,

At once from tyranny and riot

Save laws, lives, liberties and moneys,

If sticking to his ancient diet

He'd but eat up our locusts and wild honeys !

III.

ON A READER OF HIS OWN VERSES.†

HOARSE MÆVIUS reads his hobbling verse

To all and at all times,

* Annual Anthology, Vol. 11. Bristol, 1800.
+ Morning Post, Sept. 7, 1799; Keepsake, 1829.

And deems them both divinely smooth,
His voice as well as rhymes.

But folks say, Mævius is no ass!

But Mævius makes it clear That he's a monster of an ass, An ass without an ear.

IV.

IF the guilt of all lying consists in deceit
Lie on 'tis your duty, sweet youth!
For believe me, then only we find you a cheat
When you cunningly tell us the truth.

V.*

JACK drinks fine wines, wears modish clothing,
But prithee where lies Jack's estate?
In Algebra, for there I found of late
A quantity call'd less than nothing.

VI.

AS Dick and I at Charing Cross were walking Whom should we see on t'other side pass by But Informator with a stranger talking,

So I exclaim'd, "Lord what a lie !"

Quoth Dick-" What, can you hear him?" "Hear him! stuff!

I saw him open his mouth-an't that enough?"

* Morning Post, Nov. 16, 1799.

VII.

TO A PROUD PARENT.

THY babes ne'er greet thee with the father's

name;

'My Lud!' they lisp. Now whence can this arise?

Perhaps their mother feels an honest shame
And will not teach her infant to tell lies.

VIII.

HIPPONA lets no silly flush

Disturb her cheek, nought makes her blush.

Whate'er obscenities you say

She nods and titters frank and gay.

Oh Shame awake one honest flush

For this, that nothing makes her blush.

IX.

'HY lap-dog, Rufa, is a dainty beast,

THY

It don't surprise me in the least

To see thee lick so dainty clean a beast.
But that so dainty clean a beast licks thee,
Yes-that surprises me.

JEM writes his verses with more speed

Than the printer's boy can set 'em ;

Quite as fast as we can read,

And only not so fast as we forget 'em.

* Morning Post, Sept. 23, 1799.