bour hath a mind to my cow, he hires a lawyer to prove that he ought to have my cow from me. I must then hire another to defend my right; it being against all rules of law, that any man fhould be allowed to speak for himfelf. Now in this cafe 1, who am the right owner, lie under two great difadvantages; first, my lawyer, being practifed almoft from his cradle in defending falfhood, is quite out of his element, when he would be an advo cate for juftice, which is an unnatural office, he always attempts with great aukwardnefs, if not with ill-will. The fecond difadvantage is, that my lawyer muft proceed with great caution, or elle he will be reprimanded by the judges, and abhorred by his brethren, as one that would leffen the practice of the law. And therefore I have but two methods to preserve my cow. The first is, to gain over my adverfary's lawyer with a double fee; who will then betray his client, by infinuating that he bath juftice on his fide. The fecond way is, for my lawyer to make my caufe appear as unjust as he can, by allowing the cow to belong to my adverfary; and this,

it be kilfully done, will certainly befpeak the favour of the bench. Now your honour is to know, that the judges are perfons appointed to decide all controverfies of property, as well as for the trial of criminals, and picked out from the most dexterous lawyers who are grown old or lazy; and having been byaffed all their. lives against truth and equity, lie under fuch a fatal ne ceffity of favouring fraud, perjury, and oppreflion, that I have known fome of them refufe a large bribe from the fide where juftice lay, rather than injure the faculty, by doing any thing unbecoming their nature or their office.

It is a maxim among thefe lawyers, that whatever hath been done before, may legally be done again: and therefore they take fpecial care to record all the decifions for merly made against common juftice, and the general reafon of mankind. Thefe, under the name of precedents, they produce as authorities to justify the most inquitous opinions, and the judges never fail of directing accord ingly.

In pleading, they ftudiously avoid entering into the merits of the caule; but are loud, violent, and tedious, in dwelling upon all circumftances which are not to the pur

pole.

pofe. For instance, in the cafe already mentioned: they never defire to know what claim or title my adverfary hath to my cow; but whether the cow were red or black; her horns long or short; whether the field I graze her in be round or fquare; whether he was milked at home or abroad; what difeafes fhe is fubject to, and the like; after which they confult precedents, adjourn the caufe from time to time, and in ten, twenty, or thirty years come to an iffue.

It is likewife to be observed, that this fociety hath a peculiar cant and jargon of their own, that no other mortal can underfland, and wherein all their laws are writ. ten, which they take fpecial care to multiply; whereby they have wholly confounded the very effence of truth and falfhood, or right and wrong; fo that it will take thirty years to decide, whether the field left me by my ancestors for fix generations, belongs to me or to a stranger three hundred miles off.

In the trial of perfons accused for crimes against the ftate, the method is much more fhort and commendable: the judge firft fends to found the difpofition of those inpower, after which he can eadily hang or fave a criminal, Atrictly preferving all the due forms of law.

Here my mafter interpofing, fid it was a pity, that creatures endued with fuch prodigious abilities of mind, as thefe lawyers, by the defcription I gave of them, mulh certainly be, were not rather encouraged to be inftruc tors of others in wifdom and knowledge. In anfwer towhich I affured his honour, that, in all points out of their own trade, they were ufually the most ignorant and stupid generation among us, the most defpicable in common converfation, avowed enemies to all knowledge and learning, and equally difpofed to pervert the general rea. on of mankind in every other fubject of discourse as ins that of their own profeffion.

*As not be prete

Jef.

CHAP. VI.

A continuation of the State of England under Queen Anne. The character of a firji minifler of flate in European courts.

Μ'

Y mafter was yet wholly at a lofs to understand, what motives could incite this race of lawyers to perplex, difquiet, and weary themselves, and engage in a confederacy of injuftice, merely for the fake of injuring their fellow-animals; neither could he comprehend what I meant in faying, they did it for hire. Whereupon [ was at much pains to defcribe to him the ufe of money, the materials it was made of, and the value of the me tals; that when a yahoo had got a great store of this precious fubftance, he was able to purchase whatever he had a mind to, the fineft clothing, the nobleft houfes, great tracts of land, the most costly meats and drinks; and have bis choice of the most beautiful females Therefore, fince money alone was able to perform all these feats, our yahoos thought they could never have enough of it to fpend, or to fave, as they found themfelves inclined from their natural bent either to profufion or avarice. That the rich man enjoyed the fruit of the poor man's labour, and the latter were a thousand to one in proportion to the former. That the bulk of our people were forced to live miferably, by labouring every day for finall wag es, to make a few live plentifully. I enlarged myfelf much on these and many other particulars to the fame purpose: but his honour was still to feek; for he went upon a fuppofition, that all animals had a title to their fhare in the production of the earth, and efpecially thole who prefided over the rest, Therefore be defired I would let him know, what thefe coftly meats were, and how any of us happened to want them. Whereupon I enumerated as many forts as came into my head, with the various methods of dressing them, which could not be done without fending veifels by fea to every part of the world, as well for liquors to drink, as for fauces, and moumerable other conveniencies. I affured him that

this whole globe of earth must be at least three times gone round, before one of our better female yahoos could get her breakfast, or a cup-to put it in. He said that muft needs be a miferable country, which cannot furnish food for its own inhabitants. But what he chiefly wondered at was, how fuch vast tracts of ground, as I defcribed, fhould be wholly without fresh water, and the people put to the neceflity of feuding over the sea for drink. I replied, that England (the dear place of my nativity) was computed to produce three times the quan tity of food, more than its inhabitants are able to confume, as well as liquors extracted from grain, or preffed out of the fruit of certain trees, which made excellent drink; and the fame proportion in every other convenience of life. But in order to feed the luxury and intemperance of the males, and the vanity of the females, we fent away the greatest part of our neceffary things to other countries, from whence we in return brought the materials of difeafes, folly, and vice, to spend among ourfelves. Hence it follows of neceflity, that vast numbers of our people are compelled to feek their livelihood by begging, robbing, ftealing, cheating, pimping, flattering, fuborning, forfwearing, forging, gaming, lying, fawning, hectoring, voting, feribling, ftar-gazing, poisoning, wl.oring, canting, libelling, free-thinking, and the like occupations every one of which terms I was at much pains

to make him understand.

That wine was not imported among us from foreign countries to fupply the want of water, or other drinks, but because it was a fort of liquid which made us merry, by putting us out of our fenfes, diverted all melancholy thoughts, begat wild extravagant imaginations in the brain, raifed our hopes, and banished our fears; fufpended every office of reafon for a time, and deprived us of the ufe of our limbs, till we fell into a profound fleep; although it must be confeffed, that we always awaked fick and dispirited; and that the ufe of this liquor filled us with difeafes, which made our lives unconfortable and fhort .

This account excites ideas of drunkennefs, very different from those which are conceived under the teams by which it is generally expreffed. Hawkef.

But

But befides all this, the bulk of our people fupported themselves by furnishing the neceflities or conveniencies of life to the rich, and to each other. For instance, when I am at home, and dreffed as I ought to be, I carry on my body the workmanship of an hundred tradefmen; the building and furniture of my houfe employ as many more, and five times the number to adorn my wife.

I was going on to tell him of another fort of people, who get their livelihood by attending the fick, having fome occafions informed his honour, that many of upon my crew had died of diseases. But here it was with the utmost difficulty, that I brought him to apprehend what A meant. He could easily conceive, that a Houyhulum grew weak and heavy a few days before his death, or by fome accident might hurt a limb: but that nature, who works all things to perfection, should fuffer any pains to breed in our bodies, he thought impoffible, and defired to know the reafon of so unaccountable an evil. I told him, we fed on a thoufand things, which operated contrary to each other; that we eat when we were not hungry, and drank without the provocation of thirst; that we fat whole nights drinking ftrong liquors without eating a bit, which difpofed us to floth, enflamed our bo dies, and precipitated or prevented digeftion. That proftitute female yahoos acquired a certain malady, which bred rottennefs in the bones of those who fell into their embraces; that this and many other diseases were propagated from father to fon; fo that great numbers come into the world with complicated maladies upon them: that it would be endless to give him a catalogue of all diseases incident to human bodies; for they could not be fewer than five or fix hundred fpread over every limb and joint; in fhort, every part, external and inteftine, having difeafes appropriated to itself. To remedy which there was a fort of people bred up among us in the profeffion, or pretence, of curing the fick. And becaufe 1 had fome fill in the faculty, I would in gratitude to his honour let him know the whole mystery and method, by which they proceed.

Teir fundamental is, that all diseases arise from re pletion; from whence they conclude, that a great evacu• ation of the body is neceffary either through the natural Vol. IV.

Y

paffage,