weapon. Shal. So do you, good master doctor. Host. Disarm them, and let them question: let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English. 80 Caius. I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear. Vherefore vill you not meet-a me? Evans. [Aside to Caius] Pray you, use your patience: in good time. Caius. By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape. Evans. Aside to Caius] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stocks to other men's humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends. [Aloud] I will knog your urinals about your knave's cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments. 92 Caius. Diable! Jack Rugby,-mine host de Jarteer,-have I not stay for him to kill him? have I not, at de place I did appoint? Evans. As I am a Christians soul now, look you, this is the place appointed: I'll be judgement by mine host of the Garter. Host. Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaul, French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer! ΙΟΟ Caius. Ay, dat is very good; excellent. Host. Peace, I say! hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? no; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? no; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so. Give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places: your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow. Shal. Trust me, a mad host. Follow, gentlemen, follow. Slen. [Aside] O sweet Anne Page! [Exeunt Shal., Slen., Page, and Host. Caius. Ha, do I perceive dat? have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha? Evans. This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter. Caius. By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too. Evans. Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you, follow. [Exeunt. Ford. Ay; and as idle as she may hang together, for want of company. I think, if your husbands were dead, you two would marry. Mrs Page. Be sure of that,-two other husbands. Ford. Where had you this pretty weathercock? Mrs Page. I cannot tell what the dickens his name is my husband had him of. What do you call your knight's name, sirrah? Rob. Sir John Falstaff. 21 Mrs Page. He, he; I can never hit on's name. There is such a league between my good man and he! Is your wife at home indeed? Ford. Indeed she is. Mrs Page. By your leave, sir: I am sick till I see her. [Exeunt Mrs Page and Robin. Ford. Has Page any brains? hath he any eyes? hath he any thinking? Sure, they sleep; he hath no use of them. Why, this boy will carry a letter twenty mile, as easy as a cannon will shoot point-blank twelve score. He pieces out his wife's inclination; he gives her folly motion and advantage; and now she's going to my wife, and Falstaff's boy with her. A man may hear this shower sing in the wind. And Falstaff's boy with her! Good plots, they are laid; and our revolted wives share damnation together. Well; I will take him, then torture my wife, pluck the borrowed veil of modesty from the so seeming Mistress Page, divulge Page himself for a secure and wilful Acteon; and to these violent proceedings all my neighbours shall cry aim. [Clock heard.] The clock gives me my cue, and my assurance bids me search: there I shall find Falstaff: I shall be rather praised for this than mocked; for it is as positive as the earth is firm that Falstaff is there: I will go. 50 Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, SLENDER, HOST, SIR HUGH EVANS, CAIUS, and Rugby. Shal., Page, &c. Well met, Master Ford. Ford. Trust me, a good knot: I have good cheer at home; and I pray you all go with me. Shal. I must excuse myself, Master Ford. Slen. And so must I, sir: we have appointed to dine with Mistress Anne, and I would not break with her for more money than I'll speak of. Shal. We have lingered about a match between Anne Page and my cousin Slender, and this day we shall have our answer. 60 Slen. I hope I have your good will, father Page. Page. You have, Master Slender; I stand wholly for you: but my wife, master doctor, is for you altogether. Caius. Ay, be-gar; and de maid is love-a me : my nursh-a Quickly tell me so mush. Host. What say you to young Master Fenton? he capers, he dances, he has eyes of youth, he writes verses, he speaks holiday, he smells April and May: he will carry't, he will carry't; 'tis in his buttons; he will carry't. 7I Page. Not by my consent, I promise you. The gentleman is of no having: he kept company with the wild prince and Poins; he is of too high a region; he knows too much. No, he shall not knit a knot in his fortunes with the finger of my substance: if he take her, let him take her simply; the wealth I have waits on my consent, and my consent goes not that way. Ford. I beseech you heartily, some of you go home with me to dinner: besides your cheer, you shall have sport; I will show you a monster. Master doctor, you shall go; so shall you, Master Page; and you, Sir Hugh. Shal. Well, fare you well: we shall have the freer wooing at Master Page's. [Exeunt Shal. and Slen. Caius. Go home, John Rugby; I come anon. [Exit Rugby. Host. Farewell, my hearts: I will to my honest knight Falstaff, and drink canary with him. [Exit. Ford. [Aside] I think I shall drink in pipewine first with him; I'll make him dance. Will you go, gentles? All. Have with you to see this monster. [Exeunt. SCENE III. A room in FORD's house. Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS Page. Mrs Ford. What, John! What, Robert! Mrs Page. Quickly, quickly! Is the buckbasket Mrs Ford. I warrant. What, Robin, I say! Enter Servants with a basket. Mrs Page. Mrs Ford. Mrs Page. must be brief. Come, come, come. Here, set it down. Give your men the charge; we Mrs Ford. Marry, as I told you before, John and Robert, be ready here hard by in the brewhouse: and when I suddenly call you, come forth, and without any pause or staggering take this basket on your shoulders: that done, trudge with it in all haste, and carry it among the whitsters in Datchet-mead, and there empty it in the muddy ditch close by the Thames side. Mrs Page. You will do it? Mrs Ford. I ha' told them over and over; they lack no direction. Be gone, and come when you are called. [Exeunt Servants. Mrs Page. Here comes little Robin. Enter ROBIN. 20 Rob. Ay, I'll be sworn. My master knows not of your being here and hath threatened to put me into everlasting liberty if I tell you of it; for he swears he'll turn me away. Mrs Page. Thou'rt a good boy: this secrecy of thine shall be a tailor to thee and shall make thee a new doublet and hose. I'll go hide me. Mrs Ford. Do so. Go tell thy master I am alone. [Exit Robin.] Mistress Page, remember you your cue. Mrs Page. I warrant thee; if I do not act it, hiss me. [Exit. 4I Mrs Ford. Go to, then: we'll use this unwholesome humidity, this gross watery pumpion; we'll teach him to know turtles from jays. Enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Have I caught thee, my heavenly jewel? Why, now let me die,, for I have lived long enough this is the period of my ambition: this blessed hour! Mrs Ford. O sweet Sir John! Fal. Mistress Ford, I cannot cog, I cannot prate, Mistress Ford. Now shall I sin in my wish I would thy husband were dead: I'll speak it before the best lord; I would make thee my lady. Mrs Ford. I your lady, Sir John! alas, I should be a pitiful lady! Fal. Let the court of France show me such another. I see how thine eye would emulate the diamond: thou hast the right arched beauty of the brow that becomes the ship-tire, the tirevaliant, or any tire of Venetian admittance. 61 Mrs Ford. A plain kerchief, Sir John: my brows become nothing else; nor that well neither. Fal. By the Lord, thou art a traitor to say so thou wouldst make an absolute courtier; and the firm fixture of thy foot would give an ex Mrs Ford. Believe me, there's no such thing in me. Fal. What made me love thee? let that persuade thee there's something extraordinary in thee. Come, I cannot cog and say thou art this and that, like a many of these lisping hawthornbuds, that come like women in men's apparel, and smell like Bucklersbury in simple time; I cannot but I love thee; none but thee; and thou deservest it. 81 Mrs Ford. Do not betray me, sir. I fear you love Mistress Page. Fal. Thou mightst as well say I love to walk by the Counter-gate, which is as hateful to me as the reek of a lime-kiln. Mrs Ford. Well, heaven knows how I love you; and you shall one day find it. Fal. Keep in that mind; I'll deserve it. Mrs Ford. Nay, I must tell you, so you do; or else I could not be in that mind. 91 Rob. [Within] Mistress Ford, Mistress Ford! here's Mistress Page at the door, sweating and blowing and looking wildly, and would needs speak with you presently. Fal. She shall not see me: I will ensconce me behind the arras. Mrs Ford. Pray you, do so she's a very tattling woman. [Falstaff hides himself. Re-enter MISTRESS PAGE and ROBIN. What's the matter? how now! Mrs Page. O Mistress Ford, what have you done? You're shamed, you're overthrown, you're undone for ever! Mrs Ford. What's the matter, good Mistress Page? Mrs Page. O well-a-day, Mistress Ford! having an honest man to your husband, to give him such cause of suspicion! Mrs Ford. What cause of suspicion? Mrs Page. What cause of suspicion! Out upon you! how am I mistook in you! III Mrs Ford. Why, alas, what's the matter? Mrs Page. Your husband's coming hither, woman, with all the officers in Windsor, to search for a gentleman that he says is here now in the house by your consent, to take an ill advantage of his absence: you are undone. Mrs Ford. 'Tis not so, I hope. Mrs Page. Pray heaven it be not so, that you have such a man here! but 'tis most certain your husband's coming, with half Windsor at his heels, to search for such a one. I come before to tell you. If you know yourself clear, why, I am glad of it; but if you have a friend here, convey, convey him out. Be not amazed; call all your senses to you; defend your reputation, or bid farewell to your good life for ever. Mrs Ford. What shall I do? There is a gentleman my dear friend; and I fear not mine own shame so much as his peril: I had rather than a thousand pound he were out of the house. Mrs Page. For shame! never stand 'you had rather' and 'you had rather:' your husband's here at hand; bethink you of some conveyance: in the house you cannot hide him. O, how have you deceived me! Look, here is a basket: if he be of any reasonable stature, he may creep in here; and throw foul linen upon him, as if it were going to bucking: or-it is whiting-timesend him by your two men to Datchet-mead. 141 Mrs Ford. He's too big to go in there. What shall I do? Fal. [Coming forward] Let me see't, let me see't, O, let me see't! I'll in, I'll in. Follow your friend's counsel. I'll in. Mrs Page. What, Sir John Falstaff! Are these your letters, knight? Fal. I love thee. Help me away. Let me creep in here. I'll never150 [Gets into the basket; they cover him with foul linen. Mrs Page. Help to cover your master, boy. Call your men, Mistress Ford. You dissembling knight! Mrs Ford. What, John! Robert! John! Re-enter Servants. [Exit Robin. Go take up these clothes here quickly. Where's the cowl-staff? look, how you drumble! Carry them to the laundress in Datchet-mead; quickly, come. Enter FORD, PAGE, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS. Ford. Pray you, come near: if I suspect without cause, why then make sport at me; then let me be your jest; I deserve it. How now! whither bear you this? Serv. To the laundress, forsooth. Mrs Ford. Why, what have you to do whither they bear it? You were best meddle with buck-washing. Ford. Buck! I would I could wash myself of the buck! Buck, buck, buck! Ay, buck; I warrant you, buck; and of the season too, it shall appear. [Exeunt Servants with the basket.] Gentlemen, I have dreamed to-night; I'll tell you my dream. Here, here, here be my keys: ascend my chambers; search, seek, find out: I'll warrant we'll unkennel the fox. Let me stop this way first. [Locking the door.] So, now uncape. Page. Good Master Ford, be contented: you wrong yourself too much. Ford. True, Master Page. Up, gentlemen; you shall see sport anon: follow me, gentlemen. [Exit. 180 Evans. This is fery fantastical humours and jealousies. Caius. By gar, 'tis no the fashion of France; it is not jealous in France. Page. Nay, follow him, gentlemen; see the issue of his search. [Exeunt Page, Caius, and Evans. Mrs Page. Is there not a double excellency in this? Mrs Ford. I know not which pleases me bet: ter, that my husband is deceived, or Sir John. Mrs Page. What a taking was he in when your husband asked who was in the basket! Mrs Ford. I am half afraid he will have need of washing; so throwing him into the water will do him a benefit. Mrs Page. Hang him, dishonest rascal! I would all of the same strain were in the same distress. Mrs Ford. I think my husband hath some special suspicion of Falstaff's being here; for I never saw him so gross in his jealousy till now. Mrs Page. I will lay a plot to try that; and we will yet have more tricks with Falstaff: his dissolute disease will scarce obey this medicine. Mrs Ford. Shall we send that foolish carrion, Mistress Quickly, to him, and excuse his throwing into the water; and give him another hope, to betray him to another punishment? Mrs Page. We will do it: let him be sent for to-morrow, eight o'clock, to have amends. 210 Ford. Ay, I do so. Mrs Ford. Evans. A lousy knave, to have his gibes and his mockeries ! [Exeunt. 260 SCENE IV. A room in PAGE's house. Enter FENTON and ANNE Page. Fent. I see I cannot get thy father's love; Therefore no more turn me to him, sweet Nan. Anne. Alas, how then? Fent. Albeit I will confess thy father's wealth Anne. IO 20 Heaven make you better than If opportunity and humblest suit Cannot attain it, why, then,-hark you hither! [They converse apart. your thoughts! Ford. Amen! 220 Mrs Page. You do yourself mighty wrong, Master Ford, Ford. Ay, ay; I must bear it. Evans. If there be any pody in the house, and in the chambers, and in the coffers, and in the presses, heaven forgive my sins at the day of judgement! Caius. By gar, nor I too: there is no bodies. Page. Fie, fie, Master Ford! are you not ashamed? What spirit, what devil suggests this imagination? I would not ha' your distemper in this kind for the wealth of Windsor Castle. Ford. 'Tis my fault, Master Page: I suffer for it. Evans. You suffer for a pad conscience: your wife is as honest a'omans as I will desires among five thousand, and five hundred too. Caius. By gar, I see 'tis an honest woman. Ford. Well, I promised you a dinner. Come, come, walk in the Park: I pray you, pardon me; I will hereafter make known to you why I have done this. Come, wife; come, Mistress Page. pray you, pardon me; pray heartily, pardon me. Page. Let's go in, gentlemen; but, trust me, we'll mock him. I do invite you to morrow morning to my house to breakfast: after, we'll a-birding together; I have a fine hawk for the bush. Shall it be so? I O, what a world of vile ill-favour'd faults Shal. She's coming; to her, coz. O boy, thou hadst a father! Slen. I had a father, Mistress Anne; my uncle can tell you good jests of him. Pray you, uncle, tell Mistress Anne the jest, how my father stole two geese out of a pen, good uncle. 41 Shal. Mistress Anne, my cousin loves you. Slen. Ay, that I do; as well as I love any woman in Gloucestershire. Shal. He will maintain you like a gentle woman. Slen. Ay, that I will, come cut and long-tail, under the degree of a squire. Shal. He will make you a hundred and fifty pounds jointure. 50 Anne. Good Master Shallow, let him woo for himself. Shal. Marry, I thank you for it; I thank you for that good comfort. She calls you, coz: I'll leave you. Anne. Now, Master Slender,- Slen. My will! 'od's heartlings, that's a pretty jest indeed! I ne'er made my will yet, I thank heaven; I am not such a sickly creature, I give heaven praise. 62 Anne. I mean, Master Slender, what would you with me? Slen. Truly, for mine own part, I would little or nothing with you. Your father and my uncle hath made motions: if it be my luck, so; if not, happy man be his dole! They can tell you how things go better than I can: you may ask your father; here he comes, 70 Enter PAGE and MISTRESS PAGE. Page. Now, Master Slender: love him, daughter Anne. Why, how now! what does Master Fenton here? Page. She is no match for you. In such a righteous fashion as I do, Mrs Page. I mean it not; seek you a better husband. Quick. That's my master, master doctor. Anne. Alas, I had rather be set quick i' the earth And bowl'd to death with turnips! 90 Mrs Page. Come, trouble not yourself. Good I will not be your friend nor enemy: Till then farewell, sir: she must needs go in ; my Fent. I thank thee; and I pray thee, once to-night Give my sweet Nan this ring: there's for thy pains. Quick. Now heaven send thee good fortune! [Exit Fenton.] A kind heart he hath: a woman would run through fire and water for such a kind heart. But yet I would my master had Mistress Anne; or I would Master Slender had her; or, in sooth, I would Master Fenton had her: I will Fal. Go fetch me a quart of sack; put a toast in't. [Exit Bard.] Have I lived to be carried in a basket, like a barrow of butcher's offal, and to be thrown in the Thames? Well, if I be served such another trick, I'll have my brains ta'en out and buttered, and give them to a dog for a newyear's gift. The rogues slighted me into the river with as little remorse as they would have drowned a blind bitch's puppies, fifteen i' the litter: and you may know by my size that I have a kind of alacrity in sinking; if the bottom were as deep as hell, I should down. I had been drowned, but that the shore was shelvy and shallow,— a death that I abhor; for the water swells a man; and what a thing should I have been when I had been swelled! should have been a mountain of mummy. Re-enter BARDOLPH with sack. Bard. Here's Mistress Quickly, sir, to speak with you. 21 Fal. Come, let me pour in some sack to the Thames water; for my belly's as cold as if I had swallowed snowballs for pills to cool the reins. Call her in. Bard. Come in, woman! Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY. Quick. By your leave; I cry you mercy: give your worship good morrow. Fal. Take away these chalices. Go brew me a pottle of sack finely. Bard. With eggs, sir? 30 Fal. Simple of itself; I'll no pullet-sperm in my brewage. [Exit Bardolph.] How now! Quick. Marry, sir, I come to your worship from Mistress Ford. Fal. Mistress Ford! I have had ford enough; I was thrown into the ford; I have my belly full of ford. Quick. Alas the day! good heart, that was not her fault: she does so take on with her men; they mistook their erection. 4I Fal. So did I mine, to build upon a foolish woman's promise. Quick. Well, she laments, sir, for it, that it would yearn your heart to see it. Her husband goes this morning a-birding; she desires you once more to come to her between eight and nine: I must carry her word quickly: she'll make you amends, I warrant you. Fal. Well, I will visit her: tell her so; and bid her think what a man is: let her consider his frailty, and then judge of my merit. Quick. I will tell her. 52 Fal. Do so. Between nine and ten, sayest thou? Quick. Eight and nine, sir. Fal. Well, be gone: I will not miss her. |