ACT II. An Inn Yard. Enter a Carrier, with a Lantern in his hand. 1 Car. Heigh ho! An't be not four by the day, I'll be hanged: Charles' wain is over the new chimney, and yet our horse not packed. What, ostler! Ost. [Within.] Anon, anon. 1 Car. I pr'ythee, Tom, beat Cut's 5 saddle, put a few flocks in the point; the poor jade is wrung in the withers out of all cess.6 Enter another Carrier. 2 Car. Pease and beans are as dank here as a dog, and that is the next way to give poor jades the bots: this house is turned upside down, since Robin ostler died. 1 Car. Poor fellow ! never joyed since the price of oats rose; it was the death of him. 2 Car. I think this be the most villainous house in all London road for fleas : I am stung like a tench 7 1 Car. Like a tench? by the mass, there is ne'er a king in Christendom could be better bit than I have been since the first cock. 2 Car. What, ostler! come away and be hanged, come away. I have a gammon of bacon, and two razes of ginger, to be delivered as far as Charing cross. 2 Car. Time enough to go to bed with a candle, I warrant thee. - Come, neighbour Mugs, we'll call up the gentlemen; they will along with company, for they have great charge. [Exeunt Carriers. Gads. What, ho! chamberlain ! Cham. [Within.] At hand, quoth pick-purse. Gads. That's even as fair as- at hand, quoth the chamberlain : for thou variest no more from picking of purses, than giving direction doth from labouring; thou lay'st the plot how. too, heaven knows what. They are up aiready, and call for eggs and butter: They will away presently. Gads. Sirrah, if they meet not with saint Nicholas' clerks, I'll give thee this neck. Cham. No, I'll none of it: I pr'ythee keep that for the hangman; for I know thou worship'st saint Nicholas as truly as a man of falsehood may. Gads. What talkest thou to me of the hangman? if I hang, I'll make a fat pair of gallows: for, if I hang, old sir John hangs with me; and, thou knowest, he's no starveling. Tut: there are other Trojans are content to do the profession some grace; that that thou dreamest not of, the which, for sport sake, would, if matters should be looked into, for their no foot land-rakers?, no long-staff, sixpenny strikers; own credit sake, make all whole. I am joined with none of these mad, mustachio, purple-hued maltworms; but with nobility, and tranquillity; burgosuch as will strike sooner than speak, and speak masters, and great oneyers 3; such as can hold in; sooner than drink, and drink sooner than pray : saint, the commonwealth; or, rather, not pray to And yet I lie; for they pray continually to their her, but prey on her; for they ride up and down on her, and make her their boots. she hold out water in wet weather? Gads. She will, she will; justice hath liquored her. We steal as in a castle, cock-sure; we have the receipt of fern-seed, we walk invisible. Cham. Nay, by my faith! I think you are more beholden to the night than to fern-seed, for your walking invisible. Gads. Give me thy hand: thou shalt have a share in our purchase, as I am a true man. Cham. Nay, rather let me have it as you are a false thief. men. stable. Gads. Go to; Homo is a common name to all Poins. Come, shelter, shelter; I have removed Falstaff's horse, and he frets like a gummed velvet. P. Hen. Stand close. Enter FALSTAFF. Fal. Poins! Poins! and be hanged! Poins! P. Hen. Peace, ye fat-kidney'd rascal; what a brawling dost thou keep! Fal. Where's Poins, Hal? P. Hen. He is walked up to the top of the hill; I'll go seek him. [Pretends to seek POINS. Fal. I am accursed to rob in that thief's company: the rascal hath removed my horse, and tied him I know not where. If I travel but four foot by the squire 6 further afoot, I shall break my wind. Well, I doubt not but to die a fair death for all this, if I 'scape hanging for killing that rogue. I have forsworn his company hourly any time these two-andtwenty years, and yet I am bewitched with the 1 Cant term for a highwayman, 3 Public accountants. 5 Oiled, smoothed her over. 2 Footpads. 4 Booty. Square, rule. rogue's company. Thieves. Stand. Trav. Heaven bless us ! Fal. Strike; down with them; cut the villains' — Hal! — a plague upon you both!-Bardolph!-throats: Ah! caterpillars! bacon-fed knaves! they Peto! I'll starve ere I'll rob a foot further. An hate us youth: down with them; fleece them. 'twere not as good a deed as drink, to turn true man, 1 Trav. O, we are undone, both we and ours, and leave these rogues, I am the veriest varlet that for ever. ever chewed with a tooth. Eight yards of uneven ground is threescore and ten miles afoot with me; and the stony-hearted villains know it well enough: A plague upon't, when thieves cannot be true to one another! [They whistle.] Whew! - A plague upon you all! Give me my horse, you rogues; give me my horse, and be hanged. P. Hen. Peace, lie down ; lay thine ear close to the ground, and list if thou canst hear the tread of travellers. Fal. Have you any levers to lift me up again, being down? I'll not bear mine own flesh so far afoot again, for all the coin in thy father's exchequer. What a plague mean ye to colt 7 me thus? P. Hen. Thou liest, thou art not colted, thou art uncolted. Fal. I pr'ythee, good prince Hal, help me to my horse: good king's son. P. Hen. Out, you rogue! shall I be your ostler! Fal. Go, hang thyself in thy own heir-apparent garters! If I be ta'en, I'll peach for this. An I have not ballads made on you all, let a cup of sack be my poison: When a jest is so forward, and afoot tooI hate it. Gads. Stand. Enter GADSHILL. Fal. So I do, against my will. Poins. O, 'tis our setter: I know his voice. Bard. What news? Gads. Case ye, case ye: on with your visors: there's money of the king's coming down the hill; 'tis going to the king's exchequer. Fal. You lie, you rogue; 'tis going to the king's tavern. Gads. There's enough to make us all — P. Hen. Sirs, you four shall front them in the nar- Fal. Will they not rob us? P. Hen. What, a coward, Sir John Paunch? Fal. Indeed, I am not John of Gaunt, your grandfather; but yet no coward, Hal. P. Hen. Well, we leave that to the proof. Poins. Sirrah Jack, thy horse stands behind the hedge; when thou needest him, there thou shalt find him. Farewell, and stand fast. Fal. Hang ye, knaves; Are ye undone? No, ye fat chuffs 8; I would, your store were here! On, bacons, on! What, ye knaves? young men must live; You are grand-jurors are ye? We'll jure ye, i'faith. [Exeunt FALS. &c. driving the Travellers out. Re-enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS. P. Hen. The thieves have bound the true men: Now, could thou and I rob the thieves, and go merrily to London, it would be argument for a week, laughter for a month, and a good jest for ever. Poins. Stand close, I hear them coming. Re-enter Thieves. Fal. Come, my masters, let us share, and then to horse before day. An the prince and Poins be not two arrant cowards, there's no equity stirring : there's no more valour in that Poins, than in a wild duck. P. Hen. Your money. [Rushing out upon them. [As they are sharing, the PRINCE and POINS P. Hen. Got with much ease. Now merrily to The thieves are scatter'd, and possess'd with fear [Exeunt But, for mine own par!, my lord, I could be well contented to be there, in respect of the love 1 bear your house. He could be contented, is he not then? In respect of the love he bears our house he shows in this, he loves his own barn better than he loves our house. Let me see some more. The purpose you undertake is dangerous; Why, that's certain; 'tis dangerous to take a cold, to sleep, to drink : but I tell you, my lord fool, out of this nettle, danger, we pluck this flower, safety. The purpose you undertake is dangerous; the friends you have named, uncertain; the time itself unsorted; and your whole plot too light, for the counterpoise of so great an opposition. Say you so, say you so? I say unto you again, you are a shallow, cowardly hind, and you lie. What a lack-brain is this? Our plot is a good plot as ever was laid; our friends true and constant: a good plot, good friends, and full of expectation: an excellent plot, very good friends. What a frosty-spirited rogue is this? Why, my lord of York commends the plot, and the general course of the action. By this hand, an I were now by this rascal, I could brain him with his horses down the hill: we'll walk afoot awhile, and myself? lord Edmund Mortimer, my lord of York, lady's fan. Is there not my father, my uncle, and ease our legs. Fal. Now cannot I strike him, if I should be hanged. P. Hen. Ned, where are our disguises? [Exeunt P. HENRY and POINS. Fal. Now, my masters, happy man be his dole, say I; every man to his business. Enter Travellers. 1 Trav. Come, neighbour; the boy shall lead our 7 Make a youngster of me. 8 Clowns. and Owen Glendower? Is there not, besides, the Douglas? Have I not all their letters, to meet me in arms by the ninth of the next month? and are they not, some of them, set forward already? What a pagan rascal is this? an infidel? Ha! you shall see now, in very sincerity of fear and cold heart, will he to the king, and lay open all our proceedings. O, I could divide myself, and go to buffets, for moving such a dish of skimmed milk with so honourable an action! Hang him! let him tell the king: We are prepared: I will set forward to-night. Enter LADY PERCY. How now, Kate? I must leave you within these two hours. Lady. O my good lord, why are you thus alone? Of prisoners' ransome, and of soldiers slain, On some great sudden haste. O, what portents are these? Some heavy business hath my lord in hand, Enter Servant. Hot. So far afoot, I shall be weary, love. In faith, I'll break thy little finger, Harry, Away, you trifler! - Love! I care not for thee, Kate: this is no world Lady. Do you not love me? do you not, indeed? Hot. Come, wilt thou see me ride? Hot. Not an inch farther. But hark you, Kate! Whither I go, thither shall you go too; To-day will I set forth, to-morrow you. Will this content you, Kate? Lady. It must, of force. [Exeunt. SCENE IV. — Eastcheap. A Room in the Boar's Enter PRINCE HENRY and POINS. P. Hen. Ned, pr'ythee come out of that fat room, and lend me thy hand to laugh a little. Poins. Where hast been, Hal? P. Hen. With three or four loggerheads, amongst three or four score hogsheads. I have sounded the very base string of humility. Sirrah, I am sworn brother to a leash of drawers; and can call them all Serv. He is, my lord, an hour ago. sheriff? Francis. They take it already upon their salvation, that, though I be but prince of Wales, yet I am the king of courtesy; and tell me flatly I am no proud Jack, like Falstaff; but a lad of mettle, a good boy, so they call me; and when I am king of England, I shall command all the good lads in Eastcheap. To conclude, I am so good a proficient in one quarter of an hour, that I can drink with any tinker in his own language during my life. I tell thee, Ned, thou hast lost much honour, that thou wert not with me in this action. But, sweet Ned, -to sweeten which name of Ned, I give thee this pennyworth of sugar, clapped even now in my hand by an under-skinker 3; one that never spake other English in his life, than — Eight shillings and sixpence, and You are welcome; with this shrill addition, Anon, anon, sir! Score a pint of bastard in the Half-moon, or so. But, Ned, to drive away the time till Falstaff come, I pr'ytlice, do thou stand in some by-room, while I question my 3 Tapster. 2 Puppets. Cc P. Hen. Thou art perfect. Poins. Francis! Enter FRANCIS. Fran. Anon, anon, sir. Pomegranate, Ralph. Exit POINS. P. Hen. That ever this fellow should have fewer words than a parrot, and yet the son of a woman! — Look down into the His industry is up stairs, and down stairs; his eloquence, the parcel of a reckoning. I am not yet of Percy's mind, the Hotspur of the north; he that kills me some six or seven dozen of Scots at a P. Hen. Come hither, Francis. P. Hen. How long hast thou to serve, Francis? P. Hen. Five years! by'r lady, a long lease for P. Hen. How old art thou, Francis? shall be - breakfast, washes his hands, and says to his wife, — Entar FALSTAFF, Gadshill, Bardolph, and Peto. Poins. Welcome, Jack. Where hast thou been? Fal. A plague of all cowards, I say, and a vengeance too! marry, and amen! — Give me a cup About Michaelmas next I of sack, boy. - Ere I lead this life long, I'll sew nether-stocks 5, and mend them, and foot them too. A plague of all cowards! — Give me a cup of sack, Is there no virtue extant? rogue. [He drinks. P. Hen. Didst thou never see Titan kiss a dish of butter? pitiful-hearted Titan, that melted at the sweet tale of the son! if thou didst, then behold that compound. Poins. [Within.] Francis! Fran. Anon, sir.- Pray you, stay a little, my lord. P. Hen. Nay, but hark you, Francis: For the sugar thou gavest me,-'twas a pennyworth, was't not? Fran. O, sir! I would it had been two. P. Hen. I will give thee for it a thousand pound: ask me when thou wilt, and thou shalt have it. Poins. [Within.] Francis! Fran. Anon, anon. P. Hen. Anon, Francis? No, Francis: but tomorrow, Francis; or Francis, on Thursday; or, indeed, Francis, when thou wilt. But, Francis, Fran. My lord? P. Hen. Wilt thou rob this leathern-jerkin, crystal-button, nott-pated, agate-ring, caddis-garter, smooth-tongue, Spanish-pouch, Fran. O sir, who do you mean? P. Hen. Why then, your brown bastard 4 is your only drink for, look you, Francis, your white canvass doublet will sully: in Barbary, sir, it cannot come to so much. Fal. You rogue, here's lime in this sack too: There is nothing but roguery to be found in villainous man: Yet a coward is worse than a cup of sack with lime in it; a villainous coward.-Go thy ways, old Jack; die when thou wilt, if manhood, good manhood, be not forgotten upon the face of the earth, then am I a shotten herring. There live not three good men unhanged in England; and one of them is fat, and grows old: Heaven help the while! a bad world, I say! I would, I were a weaver; I could sing psalms or any thing: A plague of all cowards, I say still. P. Hen. How now, wool-sack? what mutter you? Fal. A king's son! If I do not beat thee out of thy kingdom with a dagger of lath, and drive all thy subjects afore thee like a flock of wild geese, I'll never wear hair on my face more. You prince of Wales! P. Hen. Why, you round man! what's the matter? Fal. Are you not a coward? answer me to that; and Poins there? Poins. Ye fat paunch, an ye call me coward, I'll Fal. What's the matter? there be four of us here | them; gross as a mountain, open, palpable. have ta'en a thousand pound this morning. P. Hen. Where is it, Jack? where is it? Fal. Where is it? taken from us it is: a hundred upon poor four of us. P. Hen. What, a hundred, man? thou knotty-pated fool. Why Fal. What, art thou mad? art thou mad? is not the truth, the truth? P. Hen. Why, how couldst thou know these men in Kendal green, when it was so dark thou couldst not see thy hand? come tell us your reason; What sayest thou to this? Poins. Come, your reason, Jack, your reason. Fal. What, upon compulsion? No; were I at the strappado, or all the racks in the world, I would not tell you on compulsion. Give you a reason on cow-compulsion! if reasons were as plenty as blackberries, I would give no man a reason upon compulsion, I. Fal. I am a rogue, if I were not at half-sword with a dozen of them two hours together. I have 'scap'd by miracle. I am eight times thrust through the doublet; four through the hose; my buckler cut through and through; my sword hacked like a hand-saw, ecce signum. I never dealt better since I was a man; all would not do. A plague of all ards! Let them speak: if they speak more or less than truth, they are villains, and the sons of darkness. P. Hen. Speak, sirs; how was it? Gads. We four set upon some dozen, Fal. Sixteen, at least, my lord. Gads. And bound them. Peto. No, no, they were not bound. Fal. You rogue, they were bound, every man of them; or I am a Jew else, an Ebrew Jew. Gads. As we were sharing, some six or seven fresh men set upon us, P. Hen. I'll be no longer guilty of this sin; this sanguine coward, this horse-back-breaker, this huge hill of flesh; Fal. Away, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat's tongue, you stock-fish, - O, for breath to utter what is like thee?—you tailor's yard, you sheath, you bow-case! : P. Hen. Well, breathe awhile, and then to it again and when thou hast tired thyself in base Fal. And unbound the rest, and then come in comparisons, hear me speak but this. the other. P. Hen. What, fought ye with them all? : Fal. All? I know not what ye call, all; but if I fought not with fifty of them, I am a bunch of radish if there were not two or three and fifty upon poor old Jack, then I am no two-legged creature. Poins. Pray heaven you have not murdered some of them. Fal. Nay, that's past praying for: for I have peppered two of them: two, I am sure, I have paid; two rogues in buckram suits. I tell thee what, Hal, —if I tell thee a lie, spit in my face, call me horse. Thou knowest my old ward; here I lay, and thus I bore my point. Four rogues in buckram let drive at me, P. Hen. What, four? thou saidst but two, even now. Fal. Four, Hal; I told thee four. Poins. Ay, ay, he said four. Fal. These four came all a-front, and mainly thrust at me. I made me no more ado, but took all their seven points in my target, thus. P. Hen. Seven? why, there were but four, even now. Fal. In buckram. Poins. Ay, four, in buckram suits. Fal. Seven by these hilts, or I am a villain else. P. Hen. Pr'ythee, let him alone; we shall have more anon. Fal. Dost thou hear me, Hal? P. Hen. Ay, and mark thee too, Jack. Fal. Do so, for it is worth the listening to. Fal. Their points being broken, - Fal. Began to give me ground: But I followed me close, came in foot and hand; and with a thought, seven of the eleven I paid. P. Hen. O monstrous! eleven buckram men grown out of two! Fal. But, as the devil would have it, three misbegotten knaves, in Kendal6 green, came at my back, and let drive at me; for it was so dark, Hal, that thou couldst not see thy hand. P. Hen. These lies are like the father that begets 6 A town in Westmoreland famous for making cloth. Poins. Mark, Jack. now, P. Hen. We two saw you four set on four; you bound them, and were masters of their wealth.Mark how a plain tale shall put you down. — Then did we two set on you four: and, with a word, out-faced you from your prize, and have it; yea, and can show it you here in the house: - and Falstaff, you ran away as nimbly, with as quick dexterity, and roared for mercy, and still ran and roared, as ever I heard a bull-calf. What a slave art thou, to hack thy sword as thou hast done; and then say, it was in fight? What trick, what device, what starting-hole, canst thou now find out, to hide thee from this open and apparent shame? Pons. Come, let's hear, Jack; What trick hast thou now? Fal. By the Lord, I knew ye, as well as he that made ye. Why, hear ye, my masters: Was it for me to kill the heir apparent? Should I turn upon the true prince? Why, thou knowest, I am as valiant as Hercules: but beware instinct; the lion will not touch the true prince. Instinct is a great matter; I was a coward on instinct. I shall think the better of myself and thee, during my life. I for a valiant lion, and thou for a true prince. But, lads, I am glad you have the money. Hostess, clap to the doors; watch to-night, pray to-morrow. - Gallants, lads, boys, hearts of gold, all the titles. of good fellowship come to you! What, shall we be merry? shall we have a play extempore? P. Hen. Content; and the argument shall be thy running away. Fal. Ah! no more of that, Hal, an thou lovest me. Enter Hostess. Host. My lord, the prince, P. Hen. How now, my lady the hostess? what sayst thou to me? Host. Marry, my lord, there is a nobleman of the court at door, would speak with you: he says, he comes from your father. P. Hen. Give him as much as will make him a royal man, and send him back again to my mother. Fal. What manner of man is he? Host. An old man. |