MONTHLY MIRROR, FOR SEPTEMBER, 1807. Embellished with A PORTRAIT OF MR. THEODORE HOOK, ENGRAVED BY FREEMAN, FROM AN ORIGINAL DRAWING BY BENNETT. PRINTED FOR THE PROPRIETORS, By J. Wright, No. 38, St. John's Square, Clerkenwell, And published by Vernor, Hood, and Sharpe, in the Poultry; sold, also, by all the Booksellers in the United Kingdom. The Memoir of MR. THEODORE Hook is unavoidably postponed till next Month. We have received I. W. C.'s "Visit to Helicon," and certainly use the "candour" he desires, when we question that he ever paid the visit he describes. "Then thus I'l supplicate Appolo, For to direct the way to follow." Apollo will never listen to such a supplication. N. R. W. Grafton Street, "To Marianne" Mr. Ball of Rochester's "lines to a friend;" Amicus on the death of Miss Cooke of Bristol, and an elegy to Maria; G. R- -s, on the birth of Miss Susan R—d—r ; and W. M. Tt, of Liverpool's letter, are received. We are sorry to have to apologize to the Rev. Mark Noble, F. A. S. but the great quantity of original matter, which has long been on our table, made it just to devote the present number to other correspondents. His excellent article on Booksellers, &c. next month, without fail. Another friend will be pleased to accept the above excuse, with regard to Maria Theresia of Austria. "A wish," written by a lady at the age of sixteen, which is a wish for a good husband, in eleven stanzas of six lines each, is more than we can bear. Jaques asks our opinion of his imitation of Shakspeare. We never read any thing like it! "Observations on acting," by T. S. W. shall appear soon. C. L. on the Eton Montem; J.'s Felo de se, and remarks on GRAY, the poet, by I. P. S. came too late for this number. C. M. Aldebert of Manchester's scientific criticism on Beethoven's music, next month. C. W. F. of Boston's polite note, suggesting that our 66 elegant plates," as he does us the justice to call them, would be better preserved, in the binding especially, by the interposition of a sheet of silver paper between them and the letter press, we have received with thanks. C. B.'s family "Parnassian Contest," which has produced three sonnets on a glow-worm, we have read; and next month the best shall appear. As to what he calls "the next best," and so on, we cannot afford them room, although they are not without prettiness. The natural history of the glow worm seems unknown to these rivals. We believe that the female alone bears a light, which she displays to point out her abode to the male, a winged insect wandering in the air. To a poet this circumstance is enough for a whole volume of sonnets. A.'s letter, respecting our critique on Mr. Young, shall certainly be given next month. It was not in time for the present. Another unpublished MS. by Dean Swift, is received, and shall succeed the one in this number, We thank Grizzle for his praise of our work. We cannot except errors from the chit-chat. The mem. dram, will correct the one he alludes to. Polly Higginbottom's verses on Love we reject. We know that Love has not sixpence to buy him a pair of breeches, but we cannot receive him in that state. . MONTHLY MIRROR, FOR SEPTEMBER, 1807. EVERY MAN HIS OWN PUNSTER. "Puns are disliked by none but those who can't make them." Swift. MR. EDITOR, THE following fragment has been transmitted to me by Mr. O'NICK, of St. Patrick's, in Dublin, who assures me that it is an unpublished MS. of DEAN SWIFT. There is, I think, internal evidence sufficient to prove the affirmative, and whilst I express my pleasure in communicating it to the public, through your work, I cannot refrain from grieving that so little of the original design has been accomplished. It is called, as you will perceive, RULES FOR PUNNING, or puns for all persons and seasons: but the Dean has only left us the ébauche of a single day. RULES FOR PUNNING; OR, PUNS FOR ALL PERSONS AND SEASONS. "Comitantibus armis, PUNica se---attollet gloria." Virg. Æn. iv. ** Prefatory remarks on the art of punning-its antiquity from Homer's outis, through Sophocles, Cicero, &c. down to Shakspeare, &c. Its advantages over wit. Wit requires wit in the hearer to comprehend it-a lasting and insuperable objection to its universality. Puns, on the contrary, require no wit to make them, nor any to understand them. Prove this by their well known effect on stupidity in drawing-rooms, theatres, &c. An act to abolish punning, would be the destruction of three quarters of what are called the wits of our times, and fifteen-sixteenths of the dramatic writers. Under these circumstances of fashion and prevalence, a man might as well go into a gambling house without knowing how to play, as into company without knowing how to make himself agreeable by punning. Rules are necessary for the acquisition of every art. Let what Ovid desired to have said of him, in respect to love, be said of me, with regard to punning-" Magister erat." In the rules divide thus-puns for every day, in one week, in winter, spring, summer, and autumn. Puns, in these different seasons, for men, and puns for women, varied according to the class of life, and the rank held in the particular establishment, &c. &c. MASTER OF A FAMILY. First day-sketch to be filled up. Sunday. This is a day of rest for all things but women's tongues and puns-they have none. You go to church, of course, to set a good example to your family, but let them attend to the Parson, you may be preparing puns against dinner time, when you expect a party. The man of the house is nothing without his wife. It is becoming that she should assist you—she is your helpmate. Connive together, and let her put leading questions. Half an hour be fore dinner-company come. All very stupid as usual. Mrs. observes, that she fears that the dinner will be rather late, as she was obliged to take Adam, the footman, to the park, on account of the children. The husband immediately remarks, that Adam may be the first of men, but he is a damn slow fellow. Mrs. Mr. My dear Tom, you deserve a Cane for that. Ay, if you were Able to give it me, who am a host to day. Perhaps you were on the Eve of saying this; well there's as much chance in these things as in a Pair-o'-dice. (A general laugh.) Here you are at the end of this excellent subject. I don't know that any thing more can be made of it. N. B. Hire no man unless his name is Adam, or he will suffer you to call him so. Let your children enter. Miss Lucy, George, and Theodore, all punsters, but this day is devoted to the father. Call your daughter Lucy, because, if you are a profound scholar, you can frequently bring in "luce clarior." Your other girl, Sally, ran away with an apothecary. Mrs. exclaim, "Ah, SAL volatile!" will say this, and you'll Invite a poor Emigré to your table at these times. He is al. ways to ask, when your children appear, "Est ce qu'ils sont tous par la meme mere ?" When you are to reply-Yes, I believe they are all by the same mare, but I won't answer for the horse.* This is not very complimentary to your wife; but it would be a pretty joke indeed if a good pun was to be lost for such a trifling consideration. If you consult decency too much, there's an end of wit. He, who digs for diamonds, must not be over squeamish about dirt. Here Mrs. may say, My dear Tom, I wish the man would bring up the dinner. Mr. Bring up the dinner, my love? Heaven forbid ! As we say, in Latin, that's sie sic, so so. You must not be too nice, as I observed before. (Mrs. Enter Servant. rings the bell.) Mrs. --. Is dinner ready? Mr. (Looking round.)—The chops are I'm sure. Adam. It is dishing now, ma'am. Mr. Mrs. Mr.. (A crash heard as if an accident.) Dishing indeed-I fear it's dished. Dinner-all seated. Will any body take soup? What, before grace, you graceless rogues. There's no parson here I see, though we are not without some of the cloth. Well, I'll say it-grace at dinner is meet. [An universal laugh. The sight of dinner is a breeder of good-humour.] Take care to have the salt cellars put on the table empty. Mr. - Mrs. (As planned.) You have salt enough, I'm sure, my dear. Mr.--. my wife is not amiss. But the salt, Adam. "Ego punior ipse." Ovid. Very well, very well! This has been given to Footc; but dates decide. |